You Don’t Owe Anyone Anything

For the longest time, I have been around people who believed they were entitled to anything that wanted out of me.

Or maybe they weren’t entitled but they sure acted like it.

They acted like I had to give up my personal secrets because the status of our friendship or relationship, or I had to give up my body because I have given it before.

And the worst thing that I did, was believe them. Believed that because they decided to share a secret with me, it would be wrong for me to not share back. Or give up my body because I have already given it up, but if I didn’t want to, I had to promise to never to give myself to anyone else. Even though we were going our separate ways. Honestly, I should’ve lied. It would’ve gotten me out of the situation faster.

Or doing something for someone because the favors they have done for me were always transactional. I never agreed to it, but I am apparently forever indebted because their favors cost that much.

Was I a pushover? Or were these people especially entitled narcissists.

I want to say that it was both. I was a pushover. I never wanted to stand up for myself because I always chose to understand others, but I didn’t understand what boundaries meant. Also, they were mentally ill. I’m not gonna sugar coat it.

I am still a little angry about it honestly. I don’t know how I didn’t see the red flags. I don’t know why I never felt like I was allowed to draw a line and stand up for myself. But, I guess I learned very late.

So if you are struggling with people feeling entitled to you, here are some things to remember:

  1. No Matter what has happened, nobody is entitled to anything from you.
  2. At the end of the day, you are the only one who can keep standing up for you.
  3. You have every right to keep your boundaries, and you don’t need to prove it to anyone. Just being born as a human, you have those rights.
  4. Love yourself, take care of yourself how you would take care of someone you love and care about.
  5. Remember, you don’t owe anyone ANYTHING, and nobody is entitled to ANYTHING from you.

I do regret being a pushover and falling into the wrong crowd. All I truly wanted was to be valued as a human. And for some reason it was really hard to find that. And I don’t know why it took 27 years to realize that I have value and I didn’t have to beg for it, or I didn’t have to listen to what anyone and everyone told me to do.

So, if you are someone who struggles with this. Start now. You 100% have every right to keep whatever you want to yourself, give whatever you want of yourself to others. You don’t need to prove that to anyone. You don’t need to convince anyone. Anyone who makes you give a part of you that you don’t want to, does not respect you, and only cares about themselves.

Value yourself. Period. If you feel like you need a history to decide whether you are able to value yourself, forget it. Start over. You should’ve valued yourself from the start. So if not then, start now.

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How I got my confidence and self esteem

I have had low self esteem for half of my life.

I had good self esteem up until middle school when people did not like my self esteem and confidence in myself.

I was in an environment that really cared about image and status, so it was very toxic but it was all that I knew.

That being said, I truly thought I was being too confident about myself. I truly believed that I had to humble myself. People had comments about my hobbies and passions. People had comments about my body when I was not even in the mindset to think about my body.

People had comments about my status with boys. I didn’t even care about boys yet.

I never compared myself to anyone. I never had the competition mindset. I did me, and I let them be them. Which I think bothered people because their opinions didn’t bother me. I just considered them as other people’s opinions.

So eventually, my self esteem plummeted because I just wanted friends to like me. Unfortunately, I was looking in the wrong place. That community was not where I should have been looking.

So, how did I get my confidence back after it being knocked down by my friends and family?

I realized my own worth.

Through YouTube, and Tiktok, and Instagram quotes. That is where I found my worth. I learned that I wasn’t supposed to fight for respect or worth. I was already supposed to have it. Which threw me off because my entire life I have been trying to prove to people that I am worth it.

The moment I realized that I was already worth it, I started acting like it. Just naturally. Naturally, I did not have to prove to anyone or show anyone that I was worth it. I didn’t feel the need to make everyone believe that they should believe I was worth it.

I just believed it, and it showed through. Instead of trying to prove to people that I was someone that was worth it, I wanted to make sure that everyone else believed that they are worth it. Because you realize that more people than you know have low self esteem.

If you have no self confidence or self esteem and have questioned your worth.

You already have it. You never had to prove it.

Don’t try to prove it. People who are worth your time will already see it.

How to love yourself

Like I’m gonna give you a step by step tutorial on how to actually like yourself.

I can’t do that. I can give you some tips, but I won’t be able to give you the exact formula to love yourself.

Theres a multitude of reasons as to why you don’t love yourself:

You may hate your personality because people have shushed you too much.

You may hate your body because it is not the beauty standard.

You may a quirk that you have because people keep making fun of you about it.

You may hate yourself because of the lack of respect people gave you, and you believe that you don’t deserve love or respect.

Did I just remind you a bunch of reasons why you hate yourself? Sorry, I didn’t mean to. But do you see what all of these have in common? They all have to do with other people’s perspective.

So just stop caring about other people’s opinions!”

Has someone really said this to you? Pretty ridiculous right? Wow thanks! Let me just re-wire how I have perceived my whole world for so many years of my life cause you just said that. Thanks for the advice!

A lot of us, when we try to “stop caring about other people’s opinions” we start shoving it off by hardening our heart and rejecting it that way. But then, in the process, we start to throw our hatred, disgust, and ugly feelings at everyone else. Giving people an attitude for saying what they are saying, talking smack about the people who talk smack about you. And you become just as ugly as them.

So how do you truly get to a place where you love yourself?

You have to know yourself. You can not truly and fully love something that you do not truly know. You have to know everything about yourself, and accept it. You can’t be like, “that’s a quirk I think is embarrassing and other people think is embarrassing and I don’t want that.” If it is a tendency that you do, then you need to accept it.

This is not necessarily saying that you should stay the way you are forever. That means that we all grow and all change, but it is a journey and it takes time. Love every version of yourself you become in your journey of growth. Every time you change, appreciate and accept each step you are in. If you do, nobody can shove in your face something you already accepted about yourself. Everyone changes, and life is a process. On the way, you will have different quirks about you. In the meanwhile, understand that you may talk more than others, or have interesting ankles, or have different interests than others. That is a personal trait that is exclusive to you.

Maybe you really don’t like it. Then change it. You have every right and control over yourself to change something you don’t like about yourself. But make sure you are changing something about you for a positive reason.

For example:

If you talk “too much”. Don’t change this trait because people say you are annoying and you talk too much. Change this because you want to remind yourself that you want other people to express themselves so you can get to know them better. Or that you want to have meaningful conversation and this will work if listen more. This way, your change is a beautiful type of growth, rather than stunting yourself and trying to stop something about yourself.

If you don’t fit the beauty standard and someone is telling you to exercise so people would think you are attractive, don’t lose weight because you want people to think you are beautiful. If you truly want to change your body, don’t change it because someone told you to. Don’t do it to prove them wrong. Don’t base your changes of yourself around someone else’s thoughts. Maybe you noticed something about yourself you wanted to change through someone else’s comment, but don’t do it if it has to do with them at all. Do it for yourself. Do it to feel stronger, do it to stay mentally healthy, do it to have routine, do it to impress yourself in how consistent you can be. Show yourself, what you are capable of. Because if you are caring about other people’s opinions, you sure as hell are neglecting your own and you haven’t shown yourself how far you can go.

Your change becomes less about them, and more about what you want to show yourself.

Welcome the challenging times that come your way.

I used to tell my therapist that I don’t appreciate the hard times. That I could’ve still been this kind person without it. Which is true. But honestly, thinking about it now, I wouldn’t truly be solid in who I thought I was without the hard times.

Don’t be scared of it. Take it minute by minute. Make your choices the best that you can, because the outcome will see you through, and the outcome will show you exactly who you are. And never under estimate each small step that you take. Each tiny win that you make. Because every tiny sprout of growth that you make, is absolutely beautiful. It is a moving growth in the right direction. Be inspired by it. If you took more mini sprouts of growth, imagine who you can be?

I used to not understand why I had to care about my own opinion.

I had to live with all these people on this Earth and mingle with them. Of course I need to care about what they think about me. I would always run away. That was my trademark almost. I ran from every situation and hoped that it disappeared. But it really doesn’t. And it’s really crazy to say this because this advice used to be so repetitive to me. This time I didn’t run. This time I faced it dead on. I learned what my boundaries are and I took power back in my own choices. I would say it out loud. “I choose who is in my life.” “I choose to stand back up” “I choose to always be kind”. It hits different when you say it out loud. I wrote it on my mirror.

I would fill my mind with content that would uplift me. Just filled my mind with it. Inspirational quotes, books, and TikToks. Just keep filling it. Battle your mind, and fill it with these good things, because one day they will truly stick. They truly will. And there is so much power to it. And it can take years. It took me years to get this point. But this way, with the ratio of what you fill your mind with? You start normalizing this encouraging mindset because it is 95% of what you put into your mind. You start to see yourself in a different light. You start to love yourself and love others.

You start to see how many people around you actually hate themselves. And it becomes clearer and clearer as to why they act the way they do. And you start empathizing and sharing that encouragement to the ones that hurt you to help them learn to love themselves.

It isn’t an easy journey.

but it’s definitely worth it.

No More Bare Minimum, Ladies. What is a HEALTHY relationship like?

relationship advice

Ladies, men are being exposed in 2021, and women are finding out that they have been reaching for the bare minimum in relationships.

As someone who has only experienced trash relationships her entire life, being with my husband was a different ball game. Everything shocked me. I had to unlearn so many things. He gave me a safe space to help me heal and grow and become who I am now. And I am extremely happy and proud of who I became. I wish I could tell my younger self to get out NOW so that I can truly experience the amazing life I can have around the right people.

It is very important who you surround yourself around, and especially the significant other you choose. Trust me, it is better being single and living your best life and doing everything you want, than struggling with someone who makes your life harder.

Sure, relationships aren’t that easy, but it’s not supposed to be that hard either. Just cause you’re going through challenging times together and trying to change for one another, does not mean that you guys are a strong couple that should be together. It truly depends case by case.

Relationships are a two way street. You need to do your part as well to give the love you fully want to receive. And if they are not giving the same energy, that person is not your person. Because people will put the energy into the person they want. Doesn’t mean you are not worth it anymore. Doesn’t mean you are unlikeable. Society gave us a one way ticket standard that we all try to abide by, but that truly isn’t the case. Everyone is different, everyone has different interests, different ideas of beauty, different personalities, and this is a fact. So why wouldn’t there be people who like your personality and people who don’t?

So here are some things to keep in mind when finding your future partner:

  1. Communication

Communication is so important. Everyone is so different. Everyone speaks and registers information in a different way. No two people understand life the same exact way. That is why, BOTH of you need to be willing to put yourself aside and see things from their perspective. So start learning how to verbalize your emotions without the pride. Yeah I’m talking to you. Ninety nine percent of the world does not know how to effectively communicate their emotions because they physically have not practiced (this is not a scientific statistic it’s just my guesstimation of my own survey), and explaining it is not easy.

You need to try, and practice, and you will get better and as long as the other person is receptive and willing to listen. You can have solid communication over time. It is a two person effort. If someone refuses to listen to your perspective, you are already done. Ignoring it and not ever addressing it does not help but it build resentment. When someone seems hard headed, don’t even try to share how you feel yet. Take a step back. Nobody is retaining anything when they have a hard heart. If the hard heart lasts more than a couple hours to a full day, you may need to re-evaluate, because now they are thinking only of themselves rather than the relationship. And when you are in a relationship, it is a two person effort to maintain. Remember, you are nobody’s therapist, you are a team.

2. No expectations

Hold on, hear me out. Of course you should have standards. But these standards are the character of the person, what kind of heart they have, how they react when they are mad, how they love, how they forgive, how they treat you and themselves.

Now that being said, you should find someone that does not have expectations of you (and vise versa). You have lived your whole life, trying to live up to your parents expectations, or your community’s expectations. Why, should you have expectations in the one relationship where you should let your guard down the most and feel the safest?

Because if you don’t give them expectations, they will slip up or will get too lazy in the relationship?

Then let them, let them slip up or get lazy. Then that person is not for you. Let them be free, let them be fully free to be themselves. You should be fully free to be yourself. Let them be driven to make you happy, purely through love rather than expectation. Wouldn’t that feel more beautiful? And if they don’t? They show whether they truly want to make you happy or not. But you both need to be free without the stress of living up to other people’s expectations. You both need to start setting your own expectations for yourself and who you want to be. Don’t make them live their life according to your own personal standards. See if your own expectation of yourself matches their expectation for themselves, and walk through your journey together, pushing each other to reach your own personal goals for yourselves. Don’t make your significant other live up to something. They need to feel the safest with you to be themselves. You always have a choice to decide if this person matches your energy or if someone else would be best fit for your journey.

I don’t give my husband any expectations. I am never disappointed in him. Does it mean I support any bad decisions he may make? No. Why? Because I chose a man and trust his character and his learning process. If there is a decision I don’t like, I take the time to ask what made him come to that conclusion and understand his mind first. I am not here to show that I have a better moral compass than him. I am here to be his partner. He used to always apologize for letting me down in some way, trying to make himself responsible of what I want. But I tell him that I never had any expectation of him. At first, he thought it was pretty harsh but then I told him what I meant. I want him to live his life the way he wants to, regardless of our marriage. I want him to reach the best self he wants for himself. I want him to be free to make the choice of who he wants to be. I always have the choice of if this is the man that I choose to be with, or not. But I will not have him live up to another persons personal ideals of life and what they think is right, just because he is married to me. He is the one living his life, and I need him to live it to what he wants for himself and who he wants to be. Just like you would want to live your life without anyone holding you back.

3. You are responsible for your happiness and your feelings.

I hear a lot of “YOU hurt me”, “YOU ruined my life”. Nobody is responsible for your feelings except for yourself. Your partner is not responsible for making you happy, making you feel better, or keeping you happy. It’s not their job. Your emotions are so fluid. How are they supposed to predict your triggers? They can’t. You are responsible for your own emotions, your own healing. A good partner will be mindful of your feelings. They will take the time to get to know you and your triggers, they will be respectful of your triggers and emotions. They will do their best in their knowledge to be there for you, support you, and try to make you feel better. But at the end of the day, you need to take responsibility for your own emotions, your own reactions. Don’t put that on your partner.

And vise versa. Your partner should not make it your responsibility to heal them. If you feel you did something to hurt them, then do your part and apologize, and try to do something to show them you are sorry. But at the end of the day, you are not defined by their emotion. If they choose not to heal or try to, then that isn’t a determiner of how much you hurt them. You did your part, what happened, happened. And you both are responsible for your own emotions and actions at the end of the day.

A healthy couple will take accountability of their own emotions and actions, no matter who is right and who is wrong. Does not mean you tolerate their behavior but means you see the expectations and standards they set for themselves. See if their expectation matches yours for yourself and if it comes down to it, just walk away. This relationship is not for you.

4. Basic Values

Your basic values are so important. Religion and values should not be something you need to argue over. If you are on the same wave length, you should only be pushing each other forward in life, not pulling back. This is just the basics of the basics to not compromise in. There are plenty of people in the world. Go to places that you love, and find someone while living life. Don’t go searching for it just to find someone.

5. Work on Yourself

At the end of the day, the way you see yourself effects the entirety of the relationship. If you have poor self esteem, you will be constantly asking your partner for reassurance. A good partner’s actions will give you reassurance, but it could be holding you back from enjoying life together to the fullest. If you are insecure and you deflect your insecurities on to your partner, you are just creating unnecessary issues in the relationship that just didn’t have to be there in the first place if you worked on yourself.

This is why people take breaks from relationships, this is why people tell you to enjoy being single and live your life single. Because you will discover so many things as a single person about yourself because all you need to do is focus on yourself. You will have the time to heal from any trauma or pain that you endured. Don’t use the relationship to mask your trauma. Feel it, learn about yourself through it, find your stronger inner self from it. Then bring that new and improved version of you to relationship that will match your energy and give you two times the boost in your journey rather than you or them holding each other back because you are unhealed. It is possible to go in a relationship with baggage and heal from it, but if you heal alone from it, that healing will define how you see yourself. If you heal from it within the relationship, it’s great because you heal either way, but you may become attached and think that your partner is your only sole reason for happiness and have an unhealthy attachment. It really depends on who you are and who you choose to be at the end of the day.

Many relationships are hard because people don’t know themselves and who they are. They are not confident in themselves, and what they deserve. They have not worked on their communication skills, or they are healing through trauma that is leaking out into the relationship every now and then. Heal yourself, be the best self you can be as a single person, and then find someone that you feel will push you to greater heights.