“Tone it Down”

For some reason, this bothered me so much.

For context, let’s talk about what the phrase “tone it down” means. Normally people use this phrase when you are too loud, or too emotional.

In either situations, the phrase “tone it down” is never truly helpful to anyone. Whether you are in a public space or a private space, someone that has a heightened emotional reaction, won’t be listening to “tone it down”.

Now, let’s be reasonable. If you are in a life threatening situation and your hiding, you should probably be quiet, but this is not the case.

Whether the person is validated in feeling the emotion or not, telling them to shut down because they are reacting too emotional not only creates a barrier between you and them, but shows a lot about the person saying “tone it down.”

When you are focused on how loud someone is, whether they are crying or angry, and you’re focused on their reaction and what people will think of the reaction, or if the reaction is making other people stare and, or be uncomfortable, you don’t care. You either:

  1. Care about all the stranger’s opinions that you don’t know and will never interact with in your life.
  2. Care about people that are okay, rather than the person who is actually in pain.
  3. Care about yourself and your self image and how other people see you.
  4. Feel entitled that an emotional reaction means a weak, uncontrolled person.
  5. Are focused on the external factors rather than using your words to help reassure someone to feel the calmness that you are trying to get them to feel.
  6. Are not focused on the actual issue.

When someone is feeling an emotion that needs to be vented out or communicated out, and they are too loud, at that point, you have not been listening, or that person has not been heard. So automatically their natural instinct is to speak louder. If you want to be a safe place for that person, then know that they will tone it down when they have felt heard. If you are in a private space and they are venting loudly, you should identify that volume as the level of pain and grief that someone experiences.

Telling them to “tone it down”, immediately makes the assumption that they are in a superior position to tell you what to do, that you are not a safe space because you don’t care about the issue and the pain, you care more about the environment that you are in and the people in it. Or you feel that the expression of emotion is something to be embarrassed about or it’s an uncontrollable, unattractive reaction.

but it’s not.

Yes, there is a time and place for everything, but there are so many things you can say other than tone it down. If you want to de-escalate an emotion, then you need to show them that you are listening, that you want to listen. And if it is not the time and place, you let them know that you are so sorry about what is happening, and would love to be there for them and ask if there is a time that you both can talk about it.

Not only does that person feel heard, their emotions de-escalate, they feel safe. No buts, no comments saying that this is an “inappropriate place to speak loudly”. Just purely, you wanting to listen, but wanting to find a place that we can safely talk.

So rather than telling someone to “tone it down”, LISTEN. Listen to what that person has to say, feel the emotion and the pain that came from the volume of their voice. Be that person they can feel safe with. And if there needs to be a better place, let them know you want to be there for them, and talk about when you can meet them in a safe place.

There is nothing wrong with your emotion. There’s nothing wrong with being an expressive person. Pick people wisely.

Back to Blogging (3 Month Hiatus)

I am back to blogging!

So those of you who may remember me, I am a lifestyle blogger that aspires to help many people, and I wanted to make this blog my whole life. Unfortunately, it didn’t pay the bills, and I was discouraged from the success of this blog because I was focused on surviving, rather than making this blog a creative space that will be able to help others.

After a three month hiatus, I got a job (operations manager – for right now I have just been content creating a website for a startup company, which has been amazing because the only real experience I have in that area is building this blog and website), My mental health has increased and I have learned to manage myself rather than change myself (another blog to come) and I learned a lot about what is important in creating a safe and happy space for your mental health.

That being said, my website is finally up, new and improved with a different look, and I am no longer scared of color! Yes, I know that sounds weird. I am no longer obsessing over niche but sharing overall advice that I have learned over time, and I can do it freely because I am financially supporting myself at the same time.

If you are seeing this post and you’re like, who is this random person, I don’t know when I followed them. I ask that you give me another chance, because I have so much to share, and if you need encouragement and guidance, this blog is made for you. I know my blog is called the feminine pages, but if you are a guy. These can be applicable to you too!

This is Liz Masu, Season 2.

Growth isn’t aesthetic

I have always been told to do my best, be my best, and when you hear everyone’s growth stories, you see people rise out of the ashes to become some beautiful strong swan from the trenches of darkness.

That’s what it looks like.

But you miss all of the in between stuff. All the behind the scene stuff.

I have grown so much and I have had so many people change their minds about me and admire the growth that I pushed myself through in such a short period of time.

To them, it seems inspiring,

To me, it was a dark dark constant messy loud battle that I sometimes concede to, but end up getting back up and trying again.

I’m fighting thoughts in my mind, I’m talking to myself the whole time. You learn to recognize all your failures, insecurities, and weaknesses. Usually people can see them more than you can. And you face each one of them head on.

And you fail. You will. Don’t ask me how I know. You just will. And you will again. But you get back up, screaming in your own head louder to drown out your thoughts.

You keep going even though you don’t believe the change in decision is actually going to do anything.

You keep going and keep making the decision to take every next step no matter how much you think it wouldn’t work. No matter what anyone says about you. Because people don’t understand the steps your taking.

Because people only think life is one step. Before and after. So they don’t see the turmoil that you go through to get to point A to point B.

So they will see it. They will see you make decisions, and make conclusions, and change your mind, and make new conclusions and new hypothesis about life, until you see yourself as the person you always imagined yourself to be.

And even when you get there. Your still gonna fight battles. It’ll look strong to other people because they aren’t doing the work. They aren’t the one making the hard decisions to stand up again.

The strength is to keep going even though your mind feels like it’s hopeless.

When you reach the beautiful point you have always wanted to be. That strong person, it doesn’t mean you are never afraid anymore. Yeah, you may be able to endure a lot. But you are still fighting a difficult fight. Your just able to last through the turmoil and the storm and make it out the other side when it finally passes. It doesn’t mean the storm is any less strong.

Just know, being a beautiful strong person in the end can be great, but not always a free easy feeling you thought it was going to be. Expect that you will always have to get back up again, and last through the end. It’s being able to emotionally self regulate. It is to find hope even though it feels there is none. It’s to recognize that life is just a series of stories. That’s what makes you strong.

See yourself through. Just last through this story. Until you get to see and experience the next one. You don’t have to like this story, but you can use it to define who you really are in times of trouble.

It’s not easy for anyone. No matter how it looks.

Their Processing is Not Your Problem

I used to be very insecure about what people thought about me. What other people may have heard about me, what other people judged me for and what they shared with other people about their judgements of me.

Preface

I have almost lost a good group of friends because of rumors and assumptions about me that were not true. Which has made me paranoid of every conversation behind my back.

I did not know I was undoing a previous assumption about myself until I have pushed past my social anxiety to chat with some people, and I frequently got the response of “You are not like what I heard you were like”. Quite honestly, I have gotten that quite a few times in my lifetime, and it is a bit frustrating because as I am battling with social anxiety, someone else is free to share all of their assumptions about me to anyone they want.

Thoughts

So, for the longest time, I would constantly think about what people think about every action that I made and it was exhausting to me. I would hate living in my own brain.

Until I came to a point where I told myself, The way they decide to process and understand information is not my problem.

They are capable of making their own conclusions. And trying to control the way everyone decides to process and believe things is exhausting. You have to manage your own mind, but you are trying to manage everyone else’s.

If someone decides to assume something about you and proceed spread information about you, they are that kind of person and will proceed to think that way until they are ready to change. They will do it to you and will do it to others, and people will know it.

If someone easily believes everything they hear, they have a lot more than your rumor to deal with learning. If they easily share that rumor, they have a lot more than just their opinion of you to deal with.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, people are people, and they have their own lives and their own issues that they tend to reflect upon others when they cannot deal with and need to heal with it themselves.

Not to say that to put it in their face, but to say that to understand that it is not a fight worth fighting.

The way you should ease your mind is that you should keep holding true to your actions because you are only responsible for your own actions. The people who want to understand you, will take the time to understand you and will see who you are. The people who just want to fulfill a selfish need, won’t, and that is a problem far beyond you.

Keep being kind to others, keep being the best version of you, and your actions will be louder than someone else’s words.

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Twitter @femininepages

Pinterest @LizMasu

Blog @Thefemininepages

Facebook Page @ The Feminine Pages

If you feel inferior

I have felt inferior my entire life. I believed that I wasn’t good enough to be friends with anyone. That I was just an inconvenience in someone’s life. I believed that everyone was doing me a favor by just giving me a job, or speaking to me because they felt bad for me.

Where I got this from? I am not 100% sure but I can get an inkling.

If you are someone who struggles with being inferior, I want to give you some tips about how to get out of that mindset.

1. Understand that it is just a chosen mindset. It is not reality, it is not truth. Everyone should be treated as if they have something to offer and they should never have to fight for it.

2. The way you carry yourself is the way people decide to see you. If you carry yourself as if you know you are a burden to be around, people are going to feel burdened by you. If you carry yourself with confidence, people are going to feel confident in you. If you carry yourself knowing that you are someone who has worth and doesn’t need to prove it, people will sense that.

3. Give yourself exposure to those you want to feel closer with. Naturally people like us feel like we don’t feel good enough to talk to even the average person. But if you have a hard time getting out of that mindset, expose yourself to that person often. People naturally start to feel comfortable with people they are familiar with, and familiarity comes with frequent exposure.

Conclusion

It truly is mindset. There are a million different perspectives in this world and people are living in their different mindsets. Just change your mindset about social construct and where you stand.

You are worth the time. The moment you were born, you should have never had to fight for your worth. You already have it. And once you truly understand that, is when you are kinder to yourself, and you understand that everyone else could be struggling like you.

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Twitter @femininepages

Pinterest @LizMasu

Blog @Thefemininepages

Facebook Page @ The Feminine Pages

“Everything Works Out In The End, and If It Hasn’t, Its Not The End”

There was a quote I heard that says,
“Everything works out in the end, and if it hasn’t, its not the end”

And it really got me thinking.

We are all out here, living our stories and our lives, being frustrated in life because the result.

We begin to make conclusions about our lives, and we are always constantly complaining. We think that we aren’t deserving for more, or good things don’t come to us.

Why things seem like they aren’t working out

There could be several reasons why things may not seem like they are working out for you.

  1. It is not your time yet – Maybe whatever you wan’t, is not time for you yet. You may need to learn and grow in order to be ready for what it is that you want. You may not necessarily be ready and life is holding things back for now.
  2. It may not be the way you think – Just because you want something to work out, does not mean that it will work out the way you want it. Be patient, because things may work out, in an unexpected way. And it may work out even better than you could have imagined.
  3. Patience is a virtue – The best things, truly do not come quickly. As you wait, work on yourself to be the best version of yourself, and in time, things will unravel.
  4. What is meant for you will come to you – If you really want a job (literally me right now), you need to realize that just because you really want something, and it inherently may sound good, it may just not be for you. Or it may! Relax, if it is meant for you, it will come to you. If not, there is something waiting, and you just need to be patient!

What Now?

In the meantime, focus on yourself, your growth, becoming a better person that you would want to be friends with, or be the person that you would want your future significant other to have high standards of, or refine the skills that you would want to hire if you had a job you needed to hire for.

You don’t lose anything from refining your skills and getting better as a human being. You just level up in life as a person, and create more opportunities for yourself, even if the one you want does not work out.

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Twitter @femininepages

Pinterest @LizMasu

Blog @Thefemininepages

Facebook Page @ The Feminine Pages

Shutting Down Anxiety :: Hate the way you think? Then just don’t think like that

This post is for those with anxiety and have struggled with anxiety for the longest time.

It is not easy to have anxiety, it is overwhelming and takes up so much of our mental space. It is so hard to fight your mind because your mind is such an intimate space. It is literally the space you live in and create reality.

Literally, when people tell me. “Just stop then”. I say, oh okay, great solution, let me just stop years of anxiety just cause I feel like it.

But then it occurred to me that you have a lot more power and control over your mind than you think. It does take effort, but it is possible. You have the power to change how you perceive things.

Just Stop

So, how do you just stop? Just tell yourself, no. Nope, I am not going to obsess over that. And then focus on something in your immediate space.

Everytime your anxiety comes up again, just tell it. “Nah”

Because honestly, you are just wasting your time out here thinking of all the possible ways something can happen like Doctor Strange in Infinity War. This man really took time to see all the million different ways something can play out. And really, what does that really do except cause you more anxiety for the future?

Nothing.

Let life play out the way it plays out. Stay true to yourself, be the best version of yourself. Make the best decisions that you can at the moment. And keep swimming.

Its not easy

As you are reading this, you are probably thinking that I don’t actually have anxiety because it really isn’t this easy. My overthinking abilities and anxiety is so high, that I analyze every situation and a good portion of all the situations, I really am right about.

But I have wasted so much time thinking about it, when I could have just moved on and lived my own life. And either way, life was going to continue and unravel regardless of whether I figured it out or not.

How to deal with the unknown

A lot of anxiety comes from the unknown. Of what is going to happen next. It is fear of the future. But here is my advice:

Let the future unfold – Regardless of that one moment, a lot of factors go into why things don’t work out or why things do work out. More than you may realize.

Be in charge of your actions and reactions – You really can’t control life, but you can control what you do. So at the end of the day, you stand by your actions for every reaction you made. Or you are able to apologize or change your actions in the future if you feel you have made a mistake. Your own actions and reactions should be your only concern. Who you are is your only concern.

Make peace with the unknown – I have been working on this for six years now, and I still constantly struggle with it but I have not given up on myself yet. Make peace with the fact that you don’t know the future. Just make the best decision you can in the present, and you will always know that there is nothing you could have done as long as you did your best, and made sure to protect your peace.

Conclusion

We can’t overthink our way to peace. It just doesn’t work like that. You have to make the active choice everyday when you notice yourself overthinking, to just stop. Tell yourself, “nope, we aren’t going to do that today.” And focus on your present area.

Anxiety is an ongoing pest that will not go away unless we actively make that effort. Remember, your anxiety is lying to you.

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Twitter @femininepages

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Blog @Thefemininepages

Facebook Page @ The Feminine Pages

Focus On Yourself, and Good Things That are Meant for You, Will Come to You

So, off of first hand experience, I wanted to write this article because I have seen my entire life change the moment I took action in taking active care for my mental health, physical health, and spiritual health. I don’t know what you believe in, but whatever you believe in, I believe that if you continue striving to be your next best self, whatever good is meant for you, will come to you.

Preface

I have been in a difficult depressive state, unable to control the external factors of my life for the longest time. Trying to figure out the next best move to alleviate the world around me through my actions. Sacrificing what I need to sacrifice to make everything better.

My world was falling apart, and I did not know how to hold my husbands world together either. Because the issues were effecting both of us. So we were just trying to hold everything together, taking responsibility of everyones emotions and trying to make a living and keep our peace at the same time.

What now?

We were so tired of it. We couldn’t understand why everything was the way it was. So we stopped. We stopped trying to take care of everyone else’s emotions, and we started to take care of ourselves.

We kept our distance and kept our peace. We started to take care of our own physical, mental, and spiritual health. We recognized what we had to do to keep our mental health stable. Well mostly me. He was actually doing okay. He was doing better than me, I think.

I accepted my reality, and focused on me and making myself the better self of myself.

I also worked on my spirituality because peace is so important to me. I don’t know what you believe in, but I do believe that you attract what you give out to the world. And the more I bettered myself, and loved others, and became the best version of myself.

This means, being humble. Recognizing where you are weak and what you need to work on. Recognizing your imperfections and being okay that you aren’t perfect, but knowing you are working to be a better version of yourself. Going after things that give you life and happiness rather than forcing yourself to do what cultural and societal standards tell you to do. Just loving others, and being there for others because you know that life is not easy.

Basically living your life to preserve your peace and happiness, and loving others.

The moment I chose this life, regardless of the storms around me, good things began to come to me. I live with peace, I stand by my worth, and the world is reacting to it.

End Result

When I started working on myself, not letting anyone take my self worth from me, and doing what I can to keep the peace in my heart, the people began to change towards me, and people’s reactions started to change towards me.

I am not really ready for the change, and I am kind of shocked still. My reality has changed now, but keep working on yourself. Don’t expect anything from anyone. Just keep being the better, kinder, stronger, empathetic version of yourself.

Go out there and live your life. You are the only one who can allow self care. Move forward cautiously and hopeful. Every single part of life, is a season. And it may seem like it takes forever, but you have full control of how you heal and change and grow. And your change, changes other people.

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The Power of Taking Care of Your Physical Health (How it Effects Your Mental Health)

Physical Health can directly effect your mental health. And I am not saying that it is the sole factor of why your mental health may be depleting, but I am saying that I can at least solve the intensity by at least 50%.

I want to share a personal experience as to why I believe that your physical health can directly effect your mental health.

Before

I will say, before, I also did not have friends and a support system at all that I can trust. So that also comes into play. But when I would have episodes of breakdown, there was nobody there to help me take care of my physical health. And I lived alone. I was really bad at taking care of myself. I had no accountability, and I had not learned how to take care of myself because my mom struggled a lot as well.

Whatever I was thinking, was truth, was reality. The way my mind ran a million miles a minute, everything was truth to me, and my life and reality was so difficult. It weighed down on me like no other. I did not know how to decipher what was my mind lying to me.

Because of that, I began making choices and actions based on what I thought was real because of my mental health. I would self destruct my life because it sucked anyways. I would hate everyone. I would hate life. And that is just how I lived life.

Now

Now, when I get anxious and my mind over reacts to a situation, I have learned to keep it to myself first, and take a nap and eat. Then chat with someone that I feel safe with after I have eaten and taken that nap.

After that, I am able to find what my reality is, and what is not something I need to overly be concerned about, and what the situation may really be.

I was going through a similar heartbreaking feeling and I was thinking all these intrusive impulsive thoughts. I took a nap, calmed down, decided it was not worth my time, ate some food, sent memes to my friend and I got over it.

Crazy what a nap can do right?

Now, every situation is not the same, but a lot of situations can be handled this way. It is okay to go to sleep angry. You may just solve issues better when you go to sleep angry. I really think it is okay. The next morning when you wake up, you will have a clearer mind and no regrets.

Moving Forward

I was always a lone wolf and have identified myself as such. Especially because I had social anxiety and felt so much peace alone. But honestly, with the right people, community can be so amazing.

Don’t settle for any community. Just like you shouldn’t settle for any person to marry. Don’t settle for anything. Doesn’t matter what you think your worth is. You treat yourself like you have worth that does not need to be validated, and people will see that you carry yourself validating your own worth.

So go take a nap. Eat some dinner. Eat consistently.

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Twitter @femininepages

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Blog @Thefemininepages

Facebook Page @ The Feminine Pages

Other Blogs You May Enjoy

I asked Twitter What is their Favorite Way to Pick Themselves Back Up after A Bad Day, and these were their responses!

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety and depression, and I know for myself, it happens when I don’t physically take care of myself.

I have not really eaten substance for days, and I have been sleeping late. And physical health has a direct effect on my mental health personally.

So, one day I asked Twitter, what is something you do to pick yourself back up after a bad day? These were the replies:

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

There were a lot of replies that had to do with taking care of your physical health, or treating yourself to something you love, or even a peaceful time. People felt at peace and happier when they spent time with their significant other and their pets that they love.

Most Common Responses

  • Sleep
  • Eat
  • Watch something
  • Spend time with loved ones (animal + human)
  • Read a book

Realization

More than just everyone having something to help them feel better, you notice that everyone had something they immediately do to take care of themselves, and most of these are very healthy options to revert your attention to when struggling with a bad day.

The entire world is struggling whether you can see it in their face or not, and the best thing we can do, is not act and make conclusions on our emotions, but rather, take time to take care of our current emotional state before we move on.

The fact that so many people already had their go to feel better choice, shows how everyone is just trying to keep going in this life, and has accepted that life just really sucks sometimes, but there are reasons to maintain your mental health and keep going.

Moving Forward

I am not gonna lie. I am not emotionally stable, ever. But as I take care of my physical health and surround myself with healthy genuine people, it has been easier to regulate my mental health, and learn the importance of a community.

I have been able to identify when my mind skews a situation and when I don’t need to feel anxiety. No, I am not perfect at all, and I am learning the basics of maintaining my mental health to keep going in my life.

Ending my life is not really an option, so my other option is to learn how to keep going.

Find your Self-Soothing Activity

If you feel similar to me, find your self soothing activity. And know yourself. That means, know what triggers you and why. What makes you happy and sad, know why you react the way you react. The wisest people know themselves very well.

Follow Me On My Socials

Twitter @femininepages

Pinterest @LizMasu

Blog @Thefemininepages

Facebook Page @ The Feminine Pages

Other Blogs You May Enjoy