“Tone it Down”

For some reason, this bothered me so much.

For context, let’s talk about what the phrase “tone it down” means. Normally people use this phrase when you are too loud, or too emotional.

In either situations, the phrase “tone it down” is never truly helpful to anyone. Whether you are in a public space or a private space, someone that has a heightened emotional reaction, won’t be listening to “tone it down”.

Now, let’s be reasonable. If you are in a life threatening situation and your hiding, you should probably be quiet, but this is not the case.

Whether the person is validated in feeling the emotion or not, telling them to shut down because they are reacting too emotional not only creates a barrier between you and them, but shows a lot about the person saying “tone it down.”

When you are focused on how loud someone is, whether they are crying or angry, and you’re focused on their reaction and what people will think of the reaction, or if the reaction is making other people stare and, or be uncomfortable, you don’t care. You either:

  1. Care about all the stranger’s opinions that you don’t know and will never interact with in your life.
  2. Care about people that are okay, rather than the person who is actually in pain.
  3. Care about yourself and your self image and how other people see you.
  4. Feel entitled that an emotional reaction means a weak, uncontrolled person.
  5. Are focused on the external factors rather than using your words to help reassure someone to feel the calmness that you are trying to get them to feel.
  6. Are not focused on the actual issue.

When someone is feeling an emotion that needs to be vented out or communicated out, and they are too loud, at that point, you have not been listening, or that person has not been heard. So automatically their natural instinct is to speak louder. If you want to be a safe place for that person, then know that they will tone it down when they have felt heard. If you are in a private space and they are venting loudly, you should identify that volume as the level of pain and grief that someone experiences.

Telling them to “tone it down”, immediately makes the assumption that they are in a superior position to tell you what to do, that you are not a safe space because you don’t care about the issue and the pain, you care more about the environment that you are in and the people in it. Or you feel that the expression of emotion is something to be embarrassed about or it’s an uncontrollable, unattractive reaction.

but it’s not.

Yes, there is a time and place for everything, but there are so many things you can say other than tone it down. If you want to de-escalate an emotion, then you need to show them that you are listening, that you want to listen. And if it is not the time and place, you let them know that you are so sorry about what is happening, and would love to be there for them and ask if there is a time that you both can talk about it.

Not only does that person feel heard, their emotions de-escalate, they feel safe. No buts, no comments saying that this is an “inappropriate place to speak loudly”. Just purely, you wanting to listen, but wanting to find a place that we can safely talk.

So rather than telling someone to “tone it down”, LISTEN. Listen to what that person has to say, feel the emotion and the pain that came from the volume of their voice. Be that person they can feel safe with. And if there needs to be a better place, let them know you want to be there for them, and talk about when you can meet them in a safe place.

There is nothing wrong with your emotion. There’s nothing wrong with being an expressive person. Pick people wisely.

Growth isn’t aesthetic

I have always been told to do my best, be my best, and when you hear everyone’s growth stories, you see people rise out of the ashes to become some beautiful strong swan from the trenches of darkness.

That’s what it looks like.

But you miss all of the in between stuff. All the behind the scene stuff.

I have grown so much and I have had so many people change their minds about me and admire the growth that I pushed myself through in such a short period of time.

To them, it seems inspiring,

To me, it was a dark dark constant messy loud battle that I sometimes concede to, but end up getting back up and trying again.

I’m fighting thoughts in my mind, I’m talking to myself the whole time. You learn to recognize all your failures, insecurities, and weaknesses. Usually people can see them more than you can. And you face each one of them head on.

And you fail. You will. Don’t ask me how I know. You just will. And you will again. But you get back up, screaming in your own head louder to drown out your thoughts.

You keep going even though you don’t believe the change in decision is actually going to do anything.

You keep going and keep making the decision to take every next step no matter how much you think it wouldn’t work. No matter what anyone says about you. Because people don’t understand the steps your taking.

Because people only think life is one step. Before and after. So they don’t see the turmoil that you go through to get to point A to point B.

So they will see it. They will see you make decisions, and make conclusions, and change your mind, and make new conclusions and new hypothesis about life, until you see yourself as the person you always imagined yourself to be.

And even when you get there. Your still gonna fight battles. It’ll look strong to other people because they aren’t doing the work. They aren’t the one making the hard decisions to stand up again.

The strength is to keep going even though your mind feels like it’s hopeless.

When you reach the beautiful point you have always wanted to be. That strong person, it doesn’t mean you are never afraid anymore. Yeah, you may be able to endure a lot. But you are still fighting a difficult fight. Your just able to last through the turmoil and the storm and make it out the other side when it finally passes. It doesn’t mean the storm is any less strong.

Just know, being a beautiful strong person in the end can be great, but not always a free easy feeling you thought it was going to be. Expect that you will always have to get back up again, and last through the end. It’s being able to emotionally self regulate. It is to find hope even though it feels there is none. It’s to recognize that life is just a series of stories. That’s what makes you strong.

See yourself through. Just last through this story. Until you get to see and experience the next one. You don’t have to like this story, but you can use it to define who you really are in times of trouble.

It’s not easy for anyone. No matter how it looks.

New Year Goals I am Committing to 2022

I feel like if you are in your 20’s, you were part of that generation where you went to school, you went to college like you were told, and then now you are in the working world and now hate your job. Maybe not, maybe you always knew what you wanted. Maybe you were in the stage of denial where you thought that you just needed to get used to it, or that is just what it is.

Me? I can’t do it anymore. I can’t live the rest of my life just working a 9-5 that I feel like I’m slowly dying in. I am also in the percentage who takes it safe. So making risky choices would definitely be a scary thing and doubt would get in my way constantly. But as I am getting older, I am learning that I refuse to live my life like this anymore. I never want to work for someone. I want to be a content creator, I want to write for a living, I want to inspire for a living. And if someone is not going to give that job to me? I am going to make it.

So welcome to my journal, this blog is my goal. My goal is to make this blog my job so I can inspire woman to know their true worth, dive into their beauty interests with me, and follow my stories with me. I am choosing to commit to a goal that will change the entire trajectory of my life.

I’ve went through so much during the pandemic. It happened to not be directly related to how the pandemic affected the world, but it has changed my entire life. These past two years, I was truly challenged by who I am as a person, who I see myself as, where I stand as a human being when things get hard. I have always been challenged in life. But for some reason, this past year was it. This past year said “are you sure you claim to be who you are? Or are you just who you want to be?” And I am proud to say I came out to be myself and even more than I saw myself to be. I am going to spend my life just doing things that fill my soul, and this blog is everything that fills my soul. And this year is the year I will commit to it.

You are exactly what you need yourself to be. Not what your family needs you to be, not what your friends need you to be, nor your community. You have one life, and every year we make goals to achieve in our lifetime but many times we fail to fulfill them. You have so much potential in what YOU were meant to do. In the things that fill YOUR heart. Not someone else’s heart. This year, think about what fills your heart. What makes you happy, what is the last thing you remember that makes you excited about like, excited to explore more, excited to just be? And just strive for what makes you love life. You are the only person living your life. Why have other people control it just for their approval and opinion of you? It is just not worth your time. Precious days wasted when you could be dancing in the rain, singing in a community theater, becoming a content creator, inspiring people to strive for what makes them feel alive.

So for this new 2022 year, I challenge you to find what makes you feel alive, and dig your heels deep in the things that give you joy. And run with it. You only fail when you choose not to get back up again.

You may ask “How do I even know what makes me feel alive?”

I have been there, and felt purposeless in life. It was very difficult to get out. But a few things helped me find my way.

  1. Think about things in your youth that used to get you excited. When you had to responsibilities. Was it sports? Was it theater? Music? Find a community that enjoys the things that you do. You don’t have to make money in your interest to be happy in your life. Start with the small things.
  1. Give yourself new experiences to find out what you like. I had low self confidence. But I just started doing things. I started hanging out with people, I played video games I never played until I got good at it. I did singing lessons as an adult even though I had no where to sing and I was scared to do a lesson. I auditioned for a musical. No, I didn’t get to do the musical because of other engagements, but the experience of going to a place with random people in a community that I never experienced, gave me a little sight to everything I could be missing.
  1. Start a side hustle. Give yourself some kind of goal, mission. Why not? What, you waste time if it doesn’t succeed? Or you learn what it feels to pursue something you love even though you may never get a return. How to journey and learn a new level of persistence.
  1. Spartan races. I will say this is more direct rather than the other options that I have given you, but honestly, everyone can benefit from exercising, Spartan races are pretty fun, gives you a drive, and it can start inspiring you to think about other things you can achieve, if not athleticism.

I hope you are able to come through this journey with me. I may or may not inspire you to follow what fulfills your heart and fill your life with what brings you joy and inspiration.