“Tone it Down”

For some reason, this bothered me so much.

For context, let’s talk about what the phrase “tone it down” means. Normally people use this phrase when you are too loud, or too emotional.

In either situations, the phrase “tone it down” is never truly helpful to anyone. Whether you are in a public space or a private space, someone that has a heightened emotional reaction, won’t be listening to “tone it down”.

Now, let’s be reasonable. If you are in a life threatening situation and your hiding, you should probably be quiet, but this is not the case.

Whether the person is validated in feeling the emotion or not, telling them to shut down because they are reacting too emotional not only creates a barrier between you and them, but shows a lot about the person saying “tone it down.”

When you are focused on how loud someone is, whether they are crying or angry, and you’re focused on their reaction and what people will think of the reaction, or if the reaction is making other people stare and, or be uncomfortable, you don’t care. You either:

  1. Care about all the stranger’s opinions that you don’t know and will never interact with in your life.
  2. Care about people that are okay, rather than the person who is actually in pain.
  3. Care about yourself and your self image and how other people see you.
  4. Feel entitled that an emotional reaction means a weak, uncontrolled person.
  5. Are focused on the external factors rather than using your words to help reassure someone to feel the calmness that you are trying to get them to feel.
  6. Are not focused on the actual issue.

When someone is feeling an emotion that needs to be vented out or communicated out, and they are too loud, at that point, you have not been listening, or that person has not been heard. So automatically their natural instinct is to speak louder. If you want to be a safe place for that person, then know that they will tone it down when they have felt heard. If you are in a private space and they are venting loudly, you should identify that volume as the level of pain and grief that someone experiences.

Telling them to “tone it down”, immediately makes the assumption that they are in a superior position to tell you what to do, that you are not a safe space because you don’t care about the issue and the pain, you care more about the environment that you are in and the people in it. Or you feel that the expression of emotion is something to be embarrassed about or it’s an uncontrollable, unattractive reaction.

but it’s not.

Yes, there is a time and place for everything, but there are so many things you can say other than tone it down. If you want to de-escalate an emotion, then you need to show them that you are listening, that you want to listen. And if it is not the time and place, you let them know that you are so sorry about what is happening, and would love to be there for them and ask if there is a time that you both can talk about it.

Not only does that person feel heard, their emotions de-escalate, they feel safe. No buts, no comments saying that this is an “inappropriate place to speak loudly”. Just purely, you wanting to listen, but wanting to find a place that we can safely talk.

So rather than telling someone to “tone it down”, LISTEN. Listen to what that person has to say, feel the emotion and the pain that came from the volume of their voice. Be that person they can feel safe with. And if there needs to be a better place, let them know you want to be there for them, and talk about when you can meet them in a safe place.

There is nothing wrong with your emotion. There’s nothing wrong with being an expressive person. Pick people wisely.

How I have been feeling lately

I know I have ADHD, but right now I don’t have the money to get tested for anything else. But sometimes I wonder if I have bipolar disorder or something because I get depressed at the most random times.

Yes, I am depressed and sad for no reason. There was nothing that triggered my depression, and I am really tired all the time, but my motivation to get up is all of my dreams I am working for.

Whether or not I am writing short easy posts or posting them late, for some reason, I am determined to write everyday with no days off.

But when people pursue their dreams, they aren’t hustling and happy all the times. I am not even wishing and hoping. I am just sad for some reason.

I have an interview in ten minutes, and I’m not even dressed for it, I need to use the bathroom, and I am using the time to write this blog. And ironically, their motto is “being early is on time and being on time is late”.

But I think it does help listening to my own advice when it comes to understanding that feelings or only feelings. If I determine my actions on my feelings, I would never grow and never get anything accomplished, honestly.

So here I am, writing a blog. I know it isn’t informational to you or helpful, and it is mainly personal, but, it is what I am writing today.

If you did read through this, thank you. I appreciate it a lot.

How We Should Perceive Our Negative Emotions

Listen, everyone goes through something. I rarely meet anyone that has lived a happy life their entire life. We all experience emotions and it effects our life in so many ways.

That being said, usually when you experience some kind of situation that makes you sad, angry, depression, irritated, or anything we tend to make a definitive statement and already create a reality out of it.

From just the feeling we get.

We literally, create a new reality of what we think is actually happening, based on a emotional reaction.

Now I am not saying emotions are bad and should be avoided. In fact, embracing, feeling, and loving my emotions (especially crying) has honestly made me the most emotionally strongest I have ever been.

I have been told that I am too sensitive and too emotional my entire life, and I have tried to suppress all of my emotions, which made me even more unstable.

The moment I have embraced my emotions, is the moment that I had become stronger. The moment I started to love feeling my feelings and crying over everything I wanted to cry about, is the moment people around me have even realized that I have become and am emotionally strong.

Which is the craziest thing, because you wouldn’t think that those that are “emotionally strong” are the ones that cry all the time. But, believe it or not, I got so tired of trying to be “strong”. But once I stopped avoiding my emotional reactions, I truly was able to handle any emotional reaction because feelings weren’t scary anymore. They were just, feelings that I had that I validated. They were not reality, they were just reactions.

So before I continue, try it. Regardless of what anyone’s preconceived ideas area bout emotions, just cry when you want to cry and just acknowledge when you are scared or sad. And if you’re sad, be sad. Tell yourself, “well, I am sad right now because this situation makes me sad.” Period. That’s it. Keep doing it.

I kid you not. When I would try to be emotionally strong and keep it together, I was told I was too sensitive. And the moment I embraced all my reactions and emotions, I have been told that I am emotionally strong. And I would recommend to everyone, to stop shoving their emotions down.

Emotions are just that.

They are emotions and only emotions. They are reactions.

Just because you have an initial emotional reaction, does not mean that whatever you fear is happening, is reality. Whatever you fear people are thinking about you, is not reality. It is just your fear, it is just your reaction. Your initial reaction.

Your emotions are not anything but your reactions, and your reactions come from your past experiences, insecurities, and fears. So when you are experiencing a situation that brings up negative feelings, your emotional reaction consists of all of these.

Whether it is true or not, the emotional reaction is still a reaction, and only a reaction. People can perceive the same situation in different ways because they experienced life in different ways. They have different fears and insecurities.

When you have an emotional reaction, it is important to experience it and feel it and address it. Tell yourself you are feeling this way for a reason. Verbalize what you are feeling and tell yourself why you may be feeling this way. Out loud. This will help you experience and acknowledge your emotions.

Then let yourself know that it is okay that you are feeling this way.

After you feel your emotions and address it, now you have more mental and emotional space to think about the issue. And acknowledge that you don’t know exactly what is happening in everyone’s head, and this may not be resolved quickly, but do what you can, do your part, and know that that is all you can do. Then keep living your daily life and doing what you need to do.

I have found letting yourself feel what you are experiencing, can help you understand yourself. Understand your past experiences, understand your boundaries, and understand your personality. Then it helps you make further decisions about your life.

Separating those emotions from your thoughts can help you make clear sound decisions rather than rash decisions, causing more issues. Acknowledging your emotions can help you understand that your emotions are just reactions that you are having to the situation.

Start feeling your emotions, and let go. Because you will become a lot stronger if you stop fearing your feelings.

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5 Ways to deal with your EMOTIONS – Why don’t regret Retail Therapy

Retail therapy is one of the most common types of avoidant therapy that people use, at least women for that matter.

What is retail therapy?

Retail therapy is basically shopping for things you want, but may not need to make yourself feel momentarily happy. It can also look like impulsive purchases for things that you didn’t think you needed, but you don’t care anyways.

When you buy something that you want impulsively, it makes you feel better momentarily, and keeps your mind off of what makes you hurt inside. Therefore, it becomes therapeutic in a sense. You feel better, and the more often you go shopping, the more often you may feel a sense of happiness.

First, I want to acknowledge how retail therapy can actually be very damaging.

Why retail therapy can be damaging.

When you are in a state of mind where you not in a mentally good place, you make choices that are not the best choices for you because you have this feeling inside of you that you are trying to appease through retail therapy.

You have this unhappiness inside your heart that you don’t know how to heal, and you are aware that buying something can give you instant gratification and keep you happy for a moment or two.

When you begin to heal, you may start realizing the financial damage that you have caused in your bank account because of this. Your house or apartment may be filled with stuff that you didn’t even remember that you had after a day of getting it.

Your wallet begins to suffer because you may now just be living pay check to pay check to try and get your financial standing in a good place.

Why I don’t regret Retail Therapy

.backstory.

Now, with all those negative factors put in place, let’s talk about why I don’t regret it.

When I was in a depressive state, I had no job, felt like I had no purpose in life, and felt like everyone hated me, there was no point in my existence. My husband did not make too much money at the time. We were just in a bad place financially, and emotionally when it came to external factors.

We were going through a very difficult time, and emotionally, we struggled to get on our feet to even work through our emotions. There is a point of your life where, when you want to start healing, you have to pick yourself up first before working through emotions.

That means, feeling a little bit of happiness and hope, and a lot of that comes from things that make you happy. The little things in life, or maybe even a religion.

What worked for me, was retail therapy. At this point, I grabbed on to anything that I could, that would get me through the next day of life. I loved fashion and beauty, it made me happy. It made me no money, but it made me happy for the time being to focus on it. So my husband, with his credit card, would take me shopping, would buy me gifts, so he could see a smile on my face (sorry if this story is kinda depressing, I hope it helps someone out there though).

Mind you, we had thousands and thousands of dollars of debt.

It worked though. I knew it was momentary, and at a point, retail therapy did not work on me anymore, but at that point, I got back on my feet enough to work through my emotions and pick a healthier way to work through my emotions and address them.

I think we added 5 thousand extra dollars of debt because of my husbands desperation to get me out of the dark.

.why I don’t regret it.

Now, I am not saying that this is a good way to solve your problems. Like I said, it was very damaging for the fact that we have no money in the first place.

But at that time, the dependent factors were between my life and debt. Debt can always be fixed. The moment you truly work on your healing, you become healthier and learn how to budget better and work on paying off that debt. And retail therapy was a momentary therapy that worked, but brought a huge debt on to us, but at the same time, it kept me going until I was ready to get back on my feet and become Liz 2.0.

And I also know now that my husband values me and my happiness more than he values money. Which was a bonus to learn.

Recommendation

If you aren’t in the dark pits of hell and you can restrain from retail therapy, I don’t recommend you do retail therapy. If you can get your emotions out a different way, do it. Because not everyone can deal with financial debt well, and it may cause another depression. It truly is all about perspective.

Here are other ways you can get through your emotions.

  1. Creatively
Photo by Dragos Gontariu on Unsplash

If you are a talented creative person. This is one of the best ways to get through your emotions. Something that I should have done is sing. When I sing, I feel it in my soul and it helps me work through any feeling that I have. It is temporary, as healing does take a long time, but it also does heal you little by little.

Maybe you love to paint. Use that energy of all your emotions to paint it out. Make something creative out of your current pain. Almost use it to your advantage. The most beautiful creations come out of pain.

If you like to knit, or make clothing, dance, you know the deal. You can create something so beautiful by putting your energy into it. This is the time to express yourself.

2. Physically

Photo by Kari Shea on Unsplash

When you exercise, you create endorphins. I will admit, exercising will probably help you pick yourself up the quickest because of the healthy habits you are working on.

If you don’t like running on the treadmill for thirty minutes a day, go for a brisk walk, or play a sport that you enjoy! This will actually help you get your energy out in a healthy way.

3. Self Soothing

Photo by Brandy Kennedy on Unsplash

This may cost some money but it truly isn’t as expensive as buying a whole wardrobe. A couple of face masks would cost maybe five dollars total? A quality bath bomb may cost maximum five dollars?

Then making a day out of it can take the weight off your shoulders for a while. The act of taking care of your wellbeing can also push you to take care of your emotional well being. Check out 10 Ideas to Self Soothe in Times of Stress for more ideas on self soothing.

4. Socialization

Photo by Wesley Tingey on Unsplash

Hang out with some friends. Friends you trust and enjoy. Yes, it may be a distraction from your issues, but they are there to support you and have your back. In times like these, you just need a pick me up. You aren’t at that point to work through your feelings yet.

5. Hobbies

Photo by Matias North on Unsplash

Pick a new hobby or an existing one that you neglected! Find your spirit and drive back into that hobby and create something beautiful! Read more books, or find new recipes to cook. Explore and take your mind off things. Focus on what makes you happy!

Conclusion

I truly believed that you will never heal if you just avoid the situation and distract yourself.

Which is true in a sense, but everything comes at its own time to fully heal and grow from the situation. Sometimes, you need to take the time to get peace back into your heart because you can face the scariest of scary emotions that we tend to have.

Remember, emotions are a huge part of our lives, no matter what anyone says, they are a big part of being human, so address your emotions, see where they come from, and learn about yourself.