There was a quote I heard that says, “Everything works out in the end, and if it hasn’t, its not the end”
And it really got me thinking.
We are all out here, living our stories and our lives, being frustrated in life because the result.
We begin to make conclusions about our lives, and we are always constantly complaining. We think that we aren’t deserving for more, or good things don’t come to us.
Why things seem like they aren’t working out
There could be several reasons why things may not seem like they are working out for you.
It is not your time yet – Maybe whatever you wan’t, is not time for you yet. You may need to learn and grow in order to be ready for what it is that you want. You may not necessarily be ready and life is holding things back for now.
It may not be the way you think – Just because you want something to work out, does not mean that it will work out the way you want it. Be patient, because things may work out, in an unexpected way. And it may work out even better than you could have imagined.
Patience is a virtue – The best things, truly do not come quickly. As you wait, work on yourself to be the best version of yourself, and in time, things will unravel.
What is meant for you will come to you – If you really want a job (literally me right now), you need to realize that just because you really want something, and it inherently may sound good, it may just not be for you. Or it may! Relax, if it is meant for you, it will come to you. If not, there is something waiting, and you just need to be patient!
In the meantime, focus on yourself, your growth, becoming a better person that you would want to be friends with, or be the person that you would want your future significant other to have high standards of, or refine the skills that you would want to hire if you had a job you needed to hire for.
You don’t lose anything from refining your skills and getting better as a human being. You just level up in life as a person, and create more opportunities for yourself, even if the one you want does not work out.
This post is for those with anxiety and have struggled with anxiety for the longest time.
It is not easy to have anxiety, it is overwhelming and takes up so much of our mental space. It is so hard to fight your mind because your mind is such an intimate space. It is literally the space you live in and create reality.
Literally, when people tell me. “Just stop then”. I say, oh okay, great solution, let me just stop years of anxiety just cause I feel like it.
But then it occurred to me that you have a lot more power and control over your mind than you think. It does take effort, but it is possible. You have the power to change how you perceive things.
So, how do you just stop? Just tell yourself, no. Nope, I am not going to obsess over that. And then focus on something in your immediate space.
Everytime your anxiety comes up again, just tell it. “Nah”
Because honestly, you are just wasting your time out here thinking of all the possible ways something can happen like Doctor Strange in Infinity War. This man really took time to see all the million different ways something can play out. And really, what does that really do except cause you more anxiety for the future?
Let life play out the way it plays out. Stay true to yourself, be the best version of yourself. Make the best decisions that you can at the moment. And keep swimming.
Its not easy
As you are reading this, you are probably thinking that I don’t actually have anxiety because it really isn’t this easy. My overthinking abilities and anxiety is so high, that I analyze every situation and a good portion of all the situations, I really am right about.
But I have wasted so much time thinking about it, when I could have just moved on and lived my own life. And either way, life was going to continue and unravel regardless of whether I figured it out or not.
How to deal with the unknown
A lot of anxiety comes from the unknown. Of what is going to happen next. It is fear of the future. But here is my advice:
Let the future unfold – Regardless of that one moment, a lot of factors go into why things don’t work out or why things do work out. More than you may realize.
Be in charge of your actions and reactions – You really can’t control life, but you can control what you do. So at the end of the day, you stand by your actions for every reaction you made. Or you are able to apologize or change your actions in the future if you feel you have made a mistake. Your own actions and reactions should be your only concern. Who you are is your only concern.
Make peace with the unknown – I have been working on this for six years now, and I still constantly struggle with it but I have not given up on myself yet. Make peace with the fact that you don’t know the future. Just make the best decision you can in the present, and you will always know that there is nothing you could have done as long as you did your best, and made sure to protect your peace.
We can’t overthink our way to peace. It just doesn’t work like that. You have to make the active choice everyday when you notice yourself overthinking, to just stop. Tell yourself, “nope, we aren’t going to do that today.” And focus on your present area.
Anxiety is an ongoing pest that will not go away unless we actively make that effort. Remember, your anxiety is lying to you.
This is not going to be a full on advice blog you could probably get something out of. But I just wanted to share my two cents this morning about how I have been feeling lately.
I am almost 30 years old. I am going to turn 28 in April, which is kind of crazy to me because I feel like I should be 21 right now. Regardless, I am getting older and time is not slowing down. It is only getting faster and it will leave me in the dust whether I am ready or not.
Yes, I grow over time, things happen in life. So many things will happen in your life that you don’t expect. If your life is boring, my dear, you are a lucky one. I wish I could go back and make my life boring. Boring is safe, boring means that you can choose what gives you excitement and life.
Whole paragraph of what I am tired about (You can skip this) – I am so tired of feeling anxiety, being depressed, caring about what everyone thinks of me, caring about fitting their rules of what they think is right or not, being everything for everyone and still not being enough at the same time, male species feeling entitled to women’s thoughts and body, having to beg for everyone’s approval, being angry, upset, arguing, and standing up for myself, having to compete with other people or deal with people trying to pry at me. I don’t care for it. It is exhausting.
People are relentless. I don’t know where they get this energy to attack other people. Insecurity gives people a lot of drive.
This does not necessarily mean that I hate everyone and hate people and hate life. I mean, sometimes I do, but that is also tiring as well.
But, it just means at 28, I just want to live a peaceful life, and I know I have a whole long way to live. It means I am just tired of the pettiness of the world and I just need to move on from it. More people than you know, feel entitled for you to live your life revolved around them and it is exhausting.
So I will.
Somehow I will learn how to live to not care anymore. Live to be a lot freer. I don’t know if this is too vulnerable. Almost hypocritical because I give mental health advice.
Reality: But honestly, this is the reality of it. Your mental health will go up and down and this entire life is just us having to deal with it and get through it. Some days, you will be on top of the world, and some you won’t.
Overtime, you will get better and better and the dark moments of your life won’t be that dark anymore. But you have to go through the ups and downs as you heal.
If you are like this, let’s conquer this together. It won’t be easy, but it will be a journey and a support group. I don’t know if this helps anyone, but, thanks for reading!
So, you have social anxiety. And you so badly want to be a part of a friend group. I know it. This was me for the longest time. You spot a friend group and want to be a part of it and be comfortable for that matter.
But your social anxiety is what is keeping you away from it.
Mentally, if you are ready to attack this challenge and finally make friends with a group of people, this is what you are going to do.
1. First, find the right group of people
When you have social anxiety, the biggest thing you fear is the people around you. When scouting a group of people, look for a group that is accepting of differences, and open to more people in their friend group. Those are the kind of friends you want to open yourself up to. It is better to be alone than be with a friend group who is going to make your life more toxic. So be very picky when you choose a friend group.
2. Find something relatable to start the conversation
Listen, you have nothing to lose here. If they think you are weird, they were never the right group for you anyways. Compliment their outfit, or their hair, or ask where they got their shoes from. Something. Figure it out. Approach them and fake it till you make it. Act like approaching people is normal to you. They don’t know you. They have no difference to judge you for.
3. Ask them questions
People love it when you talk about them. When you don’t know what to say, just ask questions and react. “Wow! You have great style! Are you in fashion? Or do you just like it?” Then they will respond, and keep asking them questions. People love it when they feel good about themselves and will want to hang out with you more if they feel good around you.
Eventually, if it seems like you guys have had a great conversation that feels like a friendship, ask for their social. It is less intimidating than their phone number to hit them up.
4. Target the person
This sounds creepy, but it’s not. This is how I made all of my friends. They think our friendship happened organically but I honestly did all the work. Hit up the person on social media and strike up a conversation related to your previous conversation. Continuing with this fashion example, ask for their fashion advice!
Say, “hey! It was so great meeting you the other day! You have really great style, I was wondering if you could give me your opinion about my style. What kind of style do you think would look good on me? I would love to know!”
Strike a conversation. The more exposure they have with you, the more familiar they become with you. You wan’t them to be exposed to you.
If you don’t want to strike a conversation yet, start with liking their posts and eventually commenting a compliment on their instagram post. Then strike that conversation about an instagram post that you can easily start a conversation with in their DM’s.
5. After enough exposure, invite them to hang out
If they haven’t asked you to hang out with them, ask them to hang out with you to a place that has to do with the topic you bonded over. Maybe say, “hey! I saw this really awesome boutique the other day, I thought of you because of the style they had. I am thinking about going next Saturday, would you wanna come with?”
After that, if they say yes, make that plan. If they say no. Don’t ask for another hang out. They can ask for it. Don’t make it look like you are desperate to hang out with them. It becomes way too much pressure on them to become your friend at that point and nobody wants that pressure.
6. Keep up the communication once in a while
Match their energy. Keep up the communication just as often as they keep it up. I know, I know, it sounds like you are playing a high school game. But there is a reason to it. You want this friendship to be organic, and it does not look organic if you are trying too hard, and they may be disinterested in becoming your friend if you are not reciprocating.
Send a tiktok, instagram post, youtube video every once in a while and say it reminded you of them!
7. Build your friendship
Build your friendship with this person. Keep up the interaction with them and eventually they should invite you to their group. If they don’t, you can offer another hang out that is group appropriate, like an amusement park, or a city trip, and tell them that they can invite other people if they want!
This is at the point when you guys are already friends and feel comfortable with them. If it seems like they don’t want to put you in their friend group, it is okay. You still made a friend out of this, and you can keep going with this same process and make more friends, and build your own friend group.
Just invite one more friend at a time to your hang outs so that everyone is familiar with each other.
Remember, you can have multiple friend groups. It is very normal.
8. Group Chat
Whether you jumped in someone else’s friend group or you created your own by doing these steps over and over again, create a group chat to share a Tiktok or a meme of something that you guys have had a conversation about or experienced, and just keep it up. Then the friend group with naturally become a friend group the more that they get exposed to eachother.
In a friend group with a good dynamic that will last a long time, you should not be putting in all the effort. That means, other people should naturally just join in and chat with you. But do not put the expectation of keeping the friend group alive on others and be disappointed in them if they don’t. There is no expectation and it is not a true friendship to care about one another when you are getting mad at them for not putting in the effort.
Being in a friend group the way you want to, is not easy and it does not take a short amount of time. It could if the other person just invites you to their group and the entire group is so welcoming that they add you in their group chat and they love everyone, which is a gold mine. I experienced that twice actually. My social anxiety made it hard to drive to the hang outs, but eventually I got there, and when I did, everything was fine.
It could happen, but does not always happen. But there are always options. There is always an open door. You just need to be creative.
There are several reasons why you could be in a dreary drab mood. Whether you just got broken up with, you heard some bad news, your hormones make you feel irritated, or you just wake up and feel dreary from the gloomy weather.
Sometimes we just don’t feel the best, and we can’t get out of bed. Or maybe we feel sad and we can’t even pin point why. It happens, and you will have days like that in life.
We are humans and emotions are a huge part of our beings that we can’t just ignore.
So how do we get out of the gloomy feeling?
Here are some ideas to get you back up and running:
1. Remind yourself that your just not having a good day.
Sometimes we like to equate a bad day or a bad week to a bad life, but it does not have to be like that. Your entire outlook of your life is based on your perspective. Two people can have the same life, but one can think they have a great life overall, and one can hate their life. It’s really all about perspective.
Sometimes we do have gloomy days and we just need to let it be gloomy. Sometimes we just need to treat ourselves in ways that we wouldn’t on a normal day to pick ourselves up, which brings us to number two.
2. Treat yourself with food
What is that meal that you love but can’t have often because you reserved it for special occasions? This would be the perfect time to get it!
Whether it’s the chicken Alfredo from Olive Garden or the pink drink at Starbucks, treat yourself with something to make the moment feel a little more special and different.
3. Treat yourself with something you’ve been wanting.
Have you had something in your Amazon cart or Princess Polly cart that has just been sitting there in one of your million tabs on your internet browser? Maybe today is that day!
Buying a little something that you have been wanting gives you a little pick me up to look forward to.
4. Go to the gym
Working out really helps your mental health. While you work out, you release endorphins, therefore becoming happier. It definitely makes you feel less sluggish and gloomy.
5. Hang out with friends
When you are gloomy, it is the worst feeling when you are alone. Not because you are alone, but your thoughts are your own to battle with at that point. Just because you feel something, does not mean that it is reality.
The best thing you can do is get out of your head, and having a friend with you can force yourself out of your head because there is a someone else in your immediate space that is demanding your attention. Therefore, it forces you to get out of your head more than it would if you were alone.
6. Have a little movie marathon with your favorite snacks
Have you been meaning to watch the Harry Potter series for a while? Or any series?
Grab your favorite candies and tastiest snacks, make yourself an amazing smoothie, light those candles, set the mood, and start that series you’ve always wanted to watch.
When your feeling this way, it is best to do whatever you can to get out of that headspace until your in a better mind to understand why you feel like that. But first and foremost, take care of yourself.
7. Take a walk with music
The brisk air has benefits to your mind that you may not realize! Listening to your favorite music as your breathing in fresh air, doing some cardio, can do some chemical rewiring and refreshing to your brain and help you have a different perspective!
Don’t under estimate a good walk in the park!
8. Drink some water
Believe it or not, you can just feel this way because you are dehydrated. Don’t rule out a good cup of water. Staying hydrated can give you energy and refresh your brain.
It’s a simple solution but it doesn’t hurt to try it to rule it out!
9. Take a nap
Sometimes you may feel this way because you need a nap.
Physical work can drain our energy, emotions can drain our energy, overworking our brains can drain our energy, and not doing enough can also drain our energy.
Sometimes the best solution to have is just to take a good refreshing nap and wake up ready to restart your mind and soul.
10. Spa Day
Lastly, have a spa day at home. This is my favorite because I love pampering myself.
Put on that clay face mask you got from Ulta, or the hair mask you picked up on your Target run!
Give yourself a bubble bath with candles as you watch your favorite movies with your laptop in the toilet seat. We all know you do it!
These are so inexpensive but makes the experience of relaxation go a long way. When you start taking care of yourself, you learn to take care of your mind.
We all have gloomy days. It happens, and it is normal. It is also very important to address. Your mental health should come first before anything else. It effects your entire livelihood. Because you are the only person who lives your life, you need to make sure that it is taken care of.
Closure is something many of us struggle with. Whether it is from a relationship from a spouse, friend, or significant other we have all come across it one way or another. Unfortunately, it is difficult to receive closure because sometimes, the other party does not want to participate in your closure, or will not give you the closure you need. Sometimes when you participate in the closure, they just respond in the same problematic way that led you to need closure in the first place.
What is closure?
Closure is when a relationship had to come to an end for whatever reason, but you have no understanding or conclusion of what happened, what went on to have the relationship get to this point. It can also mean, needing an understanding of why something happened.
For example, in a romantic relationship, if you and you’re significant other break up, you may wonder, why did they break up with me? What did I do? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough?
In a family relationship, the closure you may want could be, why did my mom never apologize to me when she has hurt me? Why did my dad leave me? Why did my sister run away?
In a friendship that has ended, it could be, why did she do that to me? Has she never cared about me? Why did she say that behind my back? Why is she suddenly disrespecting me?
I was not going to blog about closure today until I saw a tiktok where this asian girl could not get closure from her parents because they keep fat shaming her and she never met up to their expectations. And I closely resonate with that. The first thing, as a Korean person, that Korean people tend to mention to me is my appearance. I truly don’t understand why, but when I expanded my horizons, I learned that mainly Korean people do this. Mainly Korean people talk about your appearance and weight as if it is a heavy topic of concern.
My mom asked me if I gained weight, as if I need to address it immediately if I did. And typically, I would obsess over my weight, but I have healed through that trauma, and now I just believe that I put on winter weight and that is completely normal. A friend that I haven’t talk to in years contacts me for the first time and asks me if I lost weight. It baffles me that this is even that big of a topic to mention.
I have had relationships with people who chose to show such disrespectful behavior and treated me as if I did not belong and did not deserve to be respected and it was such a confusing time for me because even when I would ask for explanation, the explanation would not even make sense.
Closure is not just given to you when you want it. You can’t demand a conversation from someone or be entitled to a response that you want to hear. There are many times, when you want closure, that you try to get that conversation out of someone but you just are not able to get it. No matter how much they hurt you, no matter how much disrespect they show you for no reason, you are never entitled to someone’s response.
And sometimes when you get it, it still is not enough. Even people who get revenge will always tell you that it does not heal you or make you feel better.
So how do we get closure when we aren’t able to get closure?
Well, we find closure within ourselves. We find closure in what we can control, and the only person we can control in any situation is ourselves.
So how do we find closure when we don’t have the answers that we need answered?
Ask yourself these questions
What did this situation tell me about what kind of person I am?
What did their response to me, say about the kind of person they are?
In this tough time, do I like who I was as I handled it? If not, what can I change about me so the I like who I am?
If I liked who I was in this situation, how can I focus on being proud of my own strength and growth?
It is very important to self reflect in these situations. When you are self reflecting, make sure you are honest with yourself. If you have a hard time facing the truth about yourself, that is another situation you may need to work on. But self reflection and growth is beautiful. The wisest people reflect on themselves and constantly grow and change to be the best version of themselves.
Ask yourself these questions, and with these questions will come to a conclusion to who you think you are, and who they are to you. Everyone has different perspectives, understandings and experiences with everyone and no two people will understand in the same way. Do the best you can with the limited information you have, to take back your peace. People have already chosen to act the way they want to act to you. There is no other explanation or excuse to it. People can choose to grow, people can choose to stay stuck, but that is not your problem at this point. Take care of who you choose to be.
At the end of the day, you can’t depend on anyone else to feel okay. You can’t wait for someone to feel bad enough, or apologize to you, or give you closure, in order to feel okay and at peace. If they are living their life being unbothered by you, you are the only one in pain and the only one who needs to take control of their own emotions. That means, you need to find closure within yourself to take your power back and find closure in the situation. Do not give the other person the power to control your emotions because at the end of the day, you choose to feel them, you have the power to adjust your perspective and emotions.
It is not easy, but it is possible.
Emotions are not easy and you can not control anybody except for yourself. Stop focusing on what people owe you, or what you need to hear from someone in order to move on, or what you have to know to move on. At the end of the day, you are giving the power of your own happiness and peace away to other people. Take that power back, make yourself proud of who you stood strong to be and who you wanted to be. And honestly self reflect in who you were in this situation and who you would be proud to be. Their simple disrespect or disregard should be enough closure, anyways.
When you are sad or depressed, and the first thing that media tells you to do if practice self care. This was trending for the longest time to find a way to take care of yourself and put yourself first.
So when I was very depressed for years and tried everything to get myself back on my feet, I, too, tried self care.
What is self care? Well, what the media was describing self care was bubble baths, retail therapy, taking down time to watch your favorite TV shows, going out and doing something fun.
And that is exactly what I did. A lot.
I have developed an inexcusable habit of retail therapy and called it “Self Care”. Taking care of myself by doing things that make me happy. And I say happy because happy is a temporary emotion. But in actuality, I was spending more money than I needed to, I was eating out so many times and blowing money left and right. I wasn’t balancing my life correctly. Yes, indulge in things that make you happy, but keep a good balance in your life.
That being said. We have often confused “Self Care” and “Self Soothing”.
This description that we have been telling ourselves that “Self Care” is actually Self Soothing. The very definition of “Soothing” in Google is “having a gently calming effect”. When you calm someone down, you may be distraction yourself, or treating yourself. Doing things that you know will make you happy. For example, soothing a baby when it’s crying and acting out, you basically give the baby what it wants!
Self Care is a whole different ball game. The definition of “Care” in Google is “the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.”
Necessary is our key word here. Necessary for health, welfare, maintenance, and protecting someone. Bubble baths are not necessary to have good health. Shopping is not necessary for the maintenance of someone. Especially not retail therapy. Spending money on all those trips are not necessary for your livelihood.
Self care means taking care of yourself as if someone else was taking care of you.
Brushing your teeth
Cooking food for yourself
Sleeping on time
Waking up on time
Budgeting your money
Maintaining your responsibilities
Doing your laundry
Washing your dishes
And it really isn’t that easy. I know. It takes a lot of effort. But the moment you accomplish brushing your teeth on the daily, you start healing and taking care of yourself. Picking yourself back up. Budgeting your money so you aren’t self sabotaging yourself.
The moment you start these little tasks, your life starts to change. Even when you haven’t done any mental work yet.
But how do I even do this? How should I encourage myself to do these things?
Set Alarms on your phone
I know you have your phone on you at all times. If you don’t, you are a different species that I may not be able to help. Set your alarms on your phone and make a million of them.
When to wake up
When to make breakfast
When to start getting ready
When to leave for work to be there on time
When to eat dinner
When to do a task that you need to do
When you brush your teeth
When to read
When to go to sleep
And it will be very hard to follow your alarms, but you need to try. Maybe you procrastinate for the first couple of days or weeks, but always strive to listen when the alarms go off.
2. Make a list
This one works for me the best. Make a list of the things you have to do. Preferably have this list on your refrigerator or the most common place you will see it. Then, write a bunch of tasks that you need to do, but not only the important tasks, but also write the smallest tasks. Such as brushing your teeth, ordering a meal (if you can’t make meals yet, just make sure you eat), making your bed, drinking water, or charging your phone.
These small tasks are very accomplishable, and are non threatening for you to take care of yourself slowly. Don’t tackle it all at once. Nobody is making you. If they are, take some space from them. You have every right to go at your own speed because it is your life. Every time you check off the tasks, you will feel more motivated and make sure you take a little pride in every task you accomplish!
I know you aren’t in the mindset of it. But just tell your friend your plans to get back on your feet. Have a friend, have a therapist or a family member help you with taking accountability of your goals. Make sure this friend is graceful with your timing and your pain and struggle. When you feel like you are truly struggling, have a friend come and help you cook or get your ass to take a shower. Or just do it for you. If you don’t have a friend like that, you may need to act like your own friend. The act of your apartment getting clean and your own body being maintained is a form of caring about yourself. You making the effort of it getting done.
If you are not at your best state and you want to get back up. Self soothing is great once a week or twice a week. But try to spend your energy with self care. Taking care of your mind, body, and soul. Taking care of your living area. You will slowly feel yourself taking back the power of your own life. You are the only one who is able to truly take care of yourself at the end of the day. Nobody can (or should) really make you do anything.