How to get closure when you can’t get closure

Closure is something many of us struggle with. Whether it is from a relationship from a spouse, friend, or significant other we have all come across it one way or another. Unfortunately, it is difficult to receive closure because sometimes, the other party does not want to participate in your closure, or will not give you the closure you need. Sometimes when you participate in the closure, they just respond in the same problematic way that led you to need closure in the first place.

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What is closure?

Closure is when a relationship had to come to an end for whatever reason, but you have no understanding or conclusion of what happened, what went on to have the relationship get to this point. It can also mean, needing an understanding of why something happened.

For example, in a romantic relationship, if you and you’re significant other break up, you may wonder, why did they break up with me? What did I do? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough?

In a family relationship, the closure you may want could be, why did my mom never apologize to me when she has hurt me? Why did my dad leave me? Why did my sister run away?

In a friendship that has ended, it could be, why did she do that to me? Has she never cared about me? Why did she say that behind my back? Why is she suddenly disrespecting me?

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I was not going to blog about closure today until I saw a tiktok where this asian girl could not get closure from her parents because they keep fat shaming her and she never met up to their expectations. And I closely resonate with that. The first thing, as a Korean person, that Korean people tend to mention to me is my appearance. I truly don’t understand why, but when I expanded my horizons, I learned that mainly Korean people do this. Mainly Korean people talk about your appearance and weight as if it is a heavy topic of concern.

My mom asked me if I gained weight, as if I need to address it immediately if I did. And typically, I would obsess over my weight, but I have healed through that trauma, and now I just believe that I put on winter weight and that is completely normal. A friend that I haven’t talk to in years contacts me for the first time and asks me if I lost weight. It baffles me that this is even that big of a topic to mention.

I have had relationships with people who chose to show such disrespectful behavior and treated me as if I did not belong and did not deserve to be respected and it was such a confusing time for me because even when I would ask for explanation, the explanation would not even make sense.

Closure is not just given to you when you want it. You can’t demand a conversation from someone or be entitled to a response that you want to hear. There are many times, when you want closure, that you try to get that conversation out of someone but you just are not able to get it. No matter how much they hurt you, no matter how much disrespect they show you for no reason, you are never entitled to someone’s response.

And sometimes when you get it, it still is not enough. Even people who get revenge will always tell you that it does not heal you or make you feel better.

So how do we get closure when we aren’t able to get closure?

Well, we find closure within ourselves. We find closure in what we can control, and the only person we can control in any situation is ourselves.

So how do we find closure when we don’t have the answers that we need answered?

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Ask yourself these questions

  1. What did this situation tell me about what kind of person I am?
  2. What did their response to me, say about the kind of person they are?
  3. In this tough time, do I like who I was as I handled it? If not, what can I change about me so the I like who I am?
  4. If I liked who I was in this situation, how can I focus on being proud of my own strength and growth?

It is very important to self reflect in these situations. When you are self reflecting, make sure you are honest with yourself. If you have a hard time facing the truth about yourself, that is another situation you may need to work on. But self reflection and growth is beautiful. The wisest people reflect on themselves and constantly grow and change to be the best version of themselves.

Ask yourself these questions, and with these questions will come to a conclusion to who you think you are, and who they are to you. Everyone has different perspectives, understandings and experiences with everyone and no two people will understand in the same way. Do the best you can with the limited information you have, to take back your peace. People have already chosen to act the way they want to act to you. There is no other explanation or excuse to it. People can choose to grow, people can choose to stay stuck, but that is not your problem at this point. Take care of who you choose to be.

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At the end of the day, you can’t depend on anyone else to feel okay. You can’t wait for someone to feel bad enough, or apologize to you, or give you closure, in order to feel okay and at peace. If they are living their life being unbothered by you, you are the only one in pain and the only one who needs to take control of their own emotions. That means, you need to find closure within yourself to take your power back and find closure in the situation. Do not give the other person the power to control your emotions because at the end of the day, you choose to feel them, you have the power to adjust your perspective and emotions.

It is not easy, but it is possible.

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Emotions are not easy and you can not control anybody except for yourself. Stop focusing on what people owe you, or what you need to hear from someone in order to move on, or what you have to know to move on. At the end of the day, you are giving the power of your own happiness and peace away to other people. Take that power back, make yourself proud of who you stood strong to be and who you wanted to be. And honestly self reflect in who you were in this situation and who you would be proud to be. Their simple disrespect or disregard should be enough closure, anyways.

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