Ladies, men are being exposed in 2021, and women are finding out that they have been reaching for the bare minimum in relationships.
As someone who has only experienced trash relationships her entire life, being with my husband was a different ball game. Everything shocked me. I had to unlearn so many things. He gave me a safe space to help me heal and grow and become who I am now. And I am extremely happy and proud of who I became. I wish I could tell my younger self to get out NOW so that I can truly experience the amazing life I can have around the right people.
It is very important who you surround yourself around, and especially the significant other you choose. Trust me, it is better being single and living your best life and doing everything you want, than struggling with someone who makes your life harder.
Sure, relationships aren’t that easy, but it’s not supposed to be that hard either. Just cause you’re going through challenging times together and trying to change for one another, does not mean that you guys are a strong couple that should be together. It truly depends case by case.
Relationships are a two way street. You need to do your part as well to give the love you fully want to receive. And if they are not giving the same energy, that person is not your person. Because people will put the energy into the person they want. Doesn’t mean you are not worth it anymore. Doesn’t mean you are unlikeable. Society gave us a one way ticket standard that we all try to abide by, but that truly isn’t the case. Everyone is different, everyone has different interests, different ideas of beauty, different personalities, and this is a fact. So why wouldn’t there be people who like your personality and people who don’t?
So here are some things to keep in mind when finding your future partner:
Communication is so important. Everyone is so different. Everyone speaks and registers information in a different way. No two people understand life the same exact way. That is why, BOTH of you need to be willing to put yourself aside and see things from their perspective. So start learning how to verbalize your emotions without the pride. Yeah I’m talking to you. Ninety nine percent of the world does not know how to effectively communicate their emotions because they physically have not practiced (this is not a scientific statistic it’s just my guesstimation of my own survey), and explaining it is not easy.
You need to try, and practice, and you will get better and as long as the other person is receptive and willing to listen. You can have solid communication over time. It is a two person effort. If someone refuses to listen to your perspective, you are already done. Ignoring it and not ever addressing it does not help but it build resentment. When someone seems hard headed, don’t even try to share how you feel yet. Take a step back. Nobody is retaining anything when they have a hard heart. If the hard heart lasts more than a couple hours to a full day, you may need to re-evaluate, because now they are thinking only of themselves rather than the relationship. And when you are in a relationship, it is a two person effort to maintain. Remember, you are nobody’s therapist, you are a team.
2. No expectations
Hold on, hear me out. Of course you should have standards. But these standards are the character of the person, what kind of heart they have, how they react when they are mad, how they love, how they forgive, how they treat you and themselves.
Now that being said, you should find someone that does not have expectations of you (and vise versa). You have lived your whole life, trying to live up to your parents expectations, or your community’s expectations. Why, should you have expectations in the one relationship where you should let your guard down the most and feel the safest?
Because if you don’t give them expectations, they will slip up or will get too lazy in the relationship?
Then let them, let them slip up or get lazy. Then that person is not for you. Let them be free, let them be fully free to be themselves. You should be fully free to be yourself. Let them be driven to make you happy, purely through love rather than expectation. Wouldn’t that feel more beautiful? And if they don’t? They show whether they truly want to make you happy or not. But you both need to be free without the stress of living up to other people’s expectations. You both need to start setting your own expectations for yourself and who you want to be. Don’t make them live their life according to your own personal standards. See if your own expectation of yourself matches their expectation for themselves, and walk through your journey together, pushing each other to reach your own personal goals for yourselves. Don’t make your significant other live up to something. They need to feel the safest with you to be themselves. You always have a choice to decide if this person matches your energy or if someone else would be best fit for your journey.
I don’t give my husband any expectations. I am never disappointed in him. Does it mean I support any bad decisions he may make? No. Why? Because I chose a man and trust his character and his learning process. If there is a decision I don’t like, I take the time to ask what made him come to that conclusion and understand his mind first. I am not here to show that I have a better moral compass than him. I am here to be his partner. He used to always apologize for letting me down in some way, trying to make himself responsible of what I want. But I tell him that I never had any expectation of him. At first, he thought it was pretty harsh but then I told him what I meant. I want him to live his life the way he wants to, regardless of our marriage. I want him to reach the best self he wants for himself. I want him to be free to make the choice of who he wants to be. I always have the choice of if this is the man that I choose to be with, or not. But I will not have him live up to another persons personal ideals of life and what they think is right, just because he is married to me. He is the one living his life, and I need him to live it to what he wants for himself and who he wants to be. Just like you would want to live your life without anyone holding you back.
3. You are responsible for your happiness and your feelings.
I hear a lot of “YOU hurt me”, “YOU ruined my life”. Nobody is responsible for your feelings except for yourself. Your partner is not responsible for making you happy, making you feel better, or keeping you happy. It’s not their job. Your emotions are so fluid. How are they supposed to predict your triggers? They can’t. You are responsible for your own emotions, your own healing. A good partner will be mindful of your feelings. They will take the time to get to know you and your triggers, they will be respectful of your triggers and emotions. They will do their best in their knowledge to be there for you, support you, and try to make you feel better. But at the end of the day, you need to take responsibility for your own emotions, your own reactions. Don’t put that on your partner.
And vise versa. Your partner should not make it your responsibility to heal them. If you feel you did something to hurt them, then do your part and apologize, and try to do something to show them you are sorry. But at the end of the day, you are not defined by their emotion. If they choose not to heal or try to, then that isn’t a determiner of how much you hurt them. You did your part, what happened, happened. And you both are responsible for your own emotions and actions at the end of the day.
A healthy couple will take accountability of their own emotions and actions, no matter who is right and who is wrong. Does not mean you tolerate their behavior but means you see the expectations and standards they set for themselves. See if their expectation matches yours for yourself and if it comes down to it, just walk away. This relationship is not for you.
4. Basic Values
Your basic values are so important. Religion and values should not be something you need to argue over. If you are on the same wave length, you should only be pushing each other forward in life, not pulling back. This is just the basics of the basics to not compromise in. There are plenty of people in the world. Go to places that you love, and find someone while living life. Don’t go searching for it just to find someone.
5. Work on Yourself
At the end of the day, the way you see yourself effects the entirety of the relationship. If you have poor self esteem, you will be constantly asking your partner for reassurance. A good partner’s actions will give you reassurance, but it could be holding you back from enjoying life together to the fullest. If you are insecure and you deflect your insecurities on to your partner, you are just creating unnecessary issues in the relationship that just didn’t have to be there in the first place if you worked on yourself.
This is why people take breaks from relationships, this is why people tell you to enjoy being single and live your life single. Because you will discover so many things as a single person about yourself because all you need to do is focus on yourself. You will have the time to heal from any trauma or pain that you endured. Don’t use the relationship to mask your trauma. Feel it, learn about yourself through it, find your stronger inner self from it. Then bring that new and improved version of you to relationship that will match your energy and give you two times the boost in your journey rather than you or them holding each other back because you are unhealed. It is possible to go in a relationship with baggage and heal from it, but if you heal alone from it, that healing will define how you see yourself. If you heal from it within the relationship, it’s great because you heal either way, but you may become attached and think that your partner is your only sole reason for happiness and have an unhealthy attachment. It really depends on who you are and who you choose to be at the end of the day.
Many relationships are hard because people don’t know themselves and who they are. They are not confident in themselves, and what they deserve. They have not worked on their communication skills, or they are healing through trauma that is leaking out into the relationship every now and then. Heal yourself, be the best self you can be as a single person, and then find someone that you feel will push you to greater heights.