How I Got Friends Despite My Social Anxiety

Social Anxiety is when you struggle in social situations and have a lot of anxiety about what may or may happen, so literally interacting with people gives you fear, stress, and anxiety.

I had social anxiety.

I had no friends for the longest time, I struggled with making friends and wondered what was wrong with me. I kind of assumed everyone’s judgements about me are valid. And turns out, when you are a quiet, shy person with social anxiety, apparently you can look suspicious or you leave people with an open gateway to make up any story about what kind of person you are, when you are literally someone who minds their own business.

Whenever I did try to make friends, I struggled a lot because I would have anxious thoughts that run a million miles a minute. Every interaction, I dissected to make sure that I did not mess up, or there is not some kind of judgement that someone can misconceive about me. That I was my most perfect self.

I was also in a friend group that, if I brought up an issue, I was the problematic one because I am not keeping the peace and I am making issues by bringing up things that bother me. (Which I think is more problematic and quite limits for shallow interaction only.)

Boy, was that exhausting. Made me conclude that I was an introvert because I always had to recover from hang outs with people. Or interactions with people in general. To be your perfect self worried and thinking about all the things that could go wrong drained my energy.

So how do I have friends now? A lot of friends, and how am I able to just meet new people easily and talk to them as if I have known them?

Trust me, this was not easy, I cried very often and had many panic attacks, but lets get into it:

HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS DESPITE SOCIAL ANXIETY

  1. Find someone safe to be friends with.

Make sure this person is reciprocating in friendship. Do not force a friendship. If someone actually wants to be friends, you got to make the effort. If you try to make friends with someone who does not really care to be friends with you in the first place, you are wasting your time and making yourself go through an uncomfortable situation. Then you may think more is wrong with you when in actuality, you just picked someone who was not a compatible friend and was not interested. It’s like forcing a guy who doesn’t like you, to like you, and wonder why he doesn’t like you. He wasn’t interested. Move on.

2. Practice makes perfect.

Interacting with people and understanding interactions take practice. It takes practice to be comfortable, it takes practice in knowing what to say, why people are the way they are, and what you are okay with in your life and what you aren’t. Practicing makes interacting with others easier the more you do it. You will have anxious thoughts, but slowly they will go away. But I’m talking years. If you really want to be comfortable in your own skin regardless of anyone else’s opinions.

That means any uncomfortable conversation. Do your best, stop trying to be perfect, keep showing up and trying again. Worst case scenerio, find another group of friends (if its that bad). But try not to run away if they haven’t entirely rejected you out of their group. Rejection just means clarification of the lack of compatibility. Keep practicing interacting with other people.

3. Take time to understand yourself.

If you take the time to understand yourself, you will be able to take the time to be more forgiving to yourself in your interactions, which also makes you a better person because you tend to resonate with others who make social mistakes and other people are safer to be around you.

4. Know Anxious feelings will come up.

Anxious feelings will reoccur. Remember that they are just thoughts. Nothing more. Whether it is right or wrong, people’s minds can be changed, but honestly, just focus on whether you would be okay interacting with yourself, and if you are, chill out. People are different, the right, long lasting friends will vibe with you. You won’t have the constant push and pull.

5. When you feel comfortable with your natural interactions with one friend, make more.

When you have practiced with interacting with your one friend, make another friend. Interactions become easier and it becomes second nature. Then practice interacting with that person with the variations of the kind of person they are, and just do your best. That is good enough. Then keep making more and more. Keep practicing. Social anxiety will come up. Just show up.

6. Jump in other peoples group conversations

In my experience, people who give you dirty looks for joining their conversation, are the tell tale sign to NOT make friends with them and avoid them. You do NOT want their approval OR their friendship. People (typically) won’t go out of their way for you because they don’t know you. Stop getting offended by it, and just jump in conversations. Ask questions about them, relate to what you are talking about. Then, they have something to talk about with you the next time you see them. You become familiar with them.

There was this one time that I showed up at a social event and turns out, I knew only three people. I wanted to get up and leave because I did not know anyone at that event. My anxiety raised, I did not know who to talk to, but it was way too late to just leave. It would be noticeable.

So I stayed. I jumped in conversations, and by the end of the night, I was able to chat and participate, and not be awkward. Shift your focus on the conversations. Or, just help out with preparing or cleaning if you really don’t know what to do.

Summary

In two years, I went from having no friends, and forcing myself in social situations, driving home crying because I was exhausted from social situations, to being a serial friend maker who killed most of her anxious thoughts and who is filled with the joy of enjoying friends and a good time. Living in the moment rather than living in my head. Its amazing.

Your panic attacks are just triggering your anxiety. Nothing bad actually happened. So take a deep breath, and keep going, because that’s true strength. Try again. Let your body experience the panic attack safely. Your tears, are out of exhaustion. Cry it out, and show up again. You need to cry in the middle of the hang out? Go to the bathroom, fix your makeup, and go back in. You need to push your limits to change.

I dove in the deep end cause I was sick of being alone. I did not want to live the rest of my life alone. So do what you are able to do. But it truly feels so free after all that work on my social anxiety.

Making Changes

When you start healing, whether you have just started and decided to heal and grow, or you’ve been on the long path of healing and it just seems like there is always another thing to heal through, making changes and keeping up those habits sometimes feels like the most difficult things to do.

Making changes – meaning, being kinder to people, communicating better, cooking more frequently for yourself, cleaning up more often, saving money and taking care of yourself.

These are really difficult tasks to manage, but we have been told to force ourselves to do these things to take care of ourselves, and in theory, yes it does help. But let me tell you why it isn’t entirely helpful.

When you are growing and trying to take care of yourself, it takes a lot of will power to get off of social media, get out of bed, start to cook yourself food or clean up. And at times you are not ready to, and sometimes you never will be ready.

We have a tendency to look at video montages of girls glowing up and becoming “that-girl” within a ten second clip, when it took them an entire year, and we force ourselves to be all that, and after a week or so, we get discouraged because we aren’t there yet.

Growing and healing is a long on going process. I have been really good at being social for the longest time. It was a struggle that I pushed myself to do, but this week, I could not handle everyone. I felt like I give and give, and I don’t get back, and people are living selfishly, not caring how they effect others.

I mean, as they should, but it would have been nice.

Anyways, I took this week off of communicating with friends and hanging out with people. (You truly see who your real friends are). And sometimes that will happen. I am really far into my healing journey. And it’s almost been a year. It started when I moved out at the end of July. But healing is not linear, nor has it ever been. And you will have times where you need a break. The break will not be the same intensity as before and the same duration, but you may have breaks. It is completely normal.


So how do you make changes in your life without so much pushback?

I, genuinely, believe that as you work on your inner self, your self esteem, your anxiety, the motivation for the rest will naturally come. The more you self reflect, the more you work on healing your inner child, fighting the depression, shoving away the anxiety, the more you want to do it.

So, one by one, if brushing your teeth is the only thing you can push yourself to do, try to do that consistently for a while until you feel ready to take on a new task. Then after that, start with just making sure your make up desk is tidy at least once a week. Or attempt to make your bed daily. And if you need to keep buying those food deliveries to feed yourself in the time being, go ahead. Is it taking all the possible savings you could have? Who cares.

What kind of life would you even have if you don’t take care of your current self and heal out of everything you need to heal from. Spend that money, go get that coffee until you want to learn to make your own coffee’s at home because you want a new hobby.

Until you have the mental capacity to do it, get the help you need, and give yourself that grace, and focus all your energy into healing your inner self.

If you need to spend money on a therapist but your scared cause it takes a lot of money? Do it. You are an investment, and you are worth the money that is spent. You need to believe that you are worth the money that is spent on therapy. Worth the money to save your mental health now, so that you can live a thriving quality life in the future.

It is a long journey. It is one that needs to be a priority so that the rest of your life can be lived in the way you deserve to live.

Don’t worry if you aren’t “that girl”. You will be “that girl” when your mind is ready for that next step. And that is when those changes within you will truly change and truly stick.

“Tone it Down”

For some reason, this bothered me so much.

For context, let’s talk about what the phrase “tone it down” means. Normally people use this phrase when you are too loud, or too emotional.

In either situations, the phrase “tone it down” is never truly helpful to anyone. Whether you are in a public space or a private space, someone that has a heightened emotional reaction, won’t be listening to “tone it down”.

Now, let’s be reasonable. If you are in a life threatening situation and your hiding, you should probably be quiet, but this is not the case.

Whether the person is validated in feeling the emotion or not, telling them to shut down because they are reacting too emotional not only creates a barrier between you and them, but shows a lot about the person saying “tone it down.”

When you are focused on how loud someone is, whether they are crying or angry, and you’re focused on their reaction and what people will think of the reaction, or if the reaction is making other people stare and, or be uncomfortable, you don’t care. You either:

  1. Care about all the stranger’s opinions that you don’t know and will never interact with in your life.
  2. Care about people that are okay, rather than the person who is actually in pain.
  3. Care about yourself and your self image and how other people see you.
  4. Feel entitled that an emotional reaction means a weak, uncontrolled person.
  5. Are focused on the external factors rather than using your words to help reassure someone to feel the calmness that you are trying to get them to feel.
  6. Are not focused on the actual issue.

When someone is feeling an emotion that needs to be vented out or communicated out, and they are too loud, at that point, you have not been listening, or that person has not been heard. So automatically their natural instinct is to speak louder. If you want to be a safe place for that person, then know that they will tone it down when they have felt heard. If you are in a private space and they are venting loudly, you should identify that volume as the level of pain and grief that someone experiences.

Telling them to “tone it down”, immediately makes the assumption that they are in a superior position to tell you what to do, that you are not a safe space because you don’t care about the issue and the pain, you care more about the environment that you are in and the people in it. Or you feel that the expression of emotion is something to be embarrassed about or it’s an uncontrollable, unattractive reaction.

but it’s not.

Yes, there is a time and place for everything, but there are so many things you can say other than tone it down. If you want to de-escalate an emotion, then you need to show them that you are listening, that you want to listen. And if it is not the time and place, you let them know that you are so sorry about what is happening, and would love to be there for them and ask if there is a time that you both can talk about it.

Not only does that person feel heard, their emotions de-escalate, they feel safe. No buts, no comments saying that this is an “inappropriate place to speak loudly”. Just purely, you wanting to listen, but wanting to find a place that we can safely talk.

So rather than telling someone to “tone it down”, LISTEN. Listen to what that person has to say, feel the emotion and the pain that came from the volume of their voice. Be that person they can feel safe with. And if there needs to be a better place, let them know you want to be there for them, and talk about when you can meet them in a safe place.

There is nothing wrong with your emotion. There’s nothing wrong with being an expressive person. Pick people wisely.

What does “Look for Joy in the Small Things” Mean?

For the longest time, this statement seemed like a useless tactic. Look for joy in the small things. So you’re telling me to ignore the very issue that is creating a whole shift in perspective around me? Nothing is normal around me, and you expect me to just, look at the flower and think, yeah, because that pretty flower exists, I am probably gonna be okay.

It just seemed pointless to me. I felt like, people who say this, must have not had it really badly if they can just say, look for joy in the small things. But that, in fact, is not the case.

What does it mean to “Look for Joy in the Small Things”?

It means that we need to understand that life has its seasons. When you have storms, you are going to have struggles, and they will come and go, but they will come and go on their own time, not yours.

You will be in the midst of that storm and you will feel that storm.

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Now, I don’t want to say all this to make you lose all hope entirely. I say it to validate what you are going through. It is not easy. If it is not easy to you, it is not easy. That is all that matters. So don’t entirely dismiss that. Don’t dismiss it, don’t compare it, don’t undermine it. It is what it is, and it is what you are experiencing.

It is difficult. Nothing that is new will be easy the first time. Especially when you have to do it alone.

When you ride a bike for the first time, you wont be a speedster. When you draw your first picture, you wont be Picasso, when you play your first instrument, you wont be Mozart at it.

When you deal with a negative experience for the first time, you won’t know the best way to react and deal with it. So it is okay that you are not okay, even if it may seem easy to someone else. This is your moment to figure it out and go through the initial hard moments.

Photo by Melanie Stander on Unsplash

So first, be forgiving on yourself. It isn’t easy and it won’t be easy for a while to deal with these emotionally draining situations.

Second, don’t think about the big picture. Don’t think about how to solve the overall problem. This may cause anxiety over the long run of what may happen in the future. Stop it. Don’t think about that. Just think about the next best choice you can make for now. The next best choice, the next right step you can think of in your current state.

Photo by Jukan Tateisi on Unsplash

Third, this will be a trudging time for you. It may be hard to keep your head up. The end of the tunnel may feel too far. But just find joy in the small things. A laugh with your friends, a beautiful flower that you have never seen before, your dog curling up next to you on a quiet Sunday morning, support of people you love, or maybe a hobby that gives you joy. It can be any of these. But taking time to appreciate the small things that make you happy is like a little less weight on your shoulders.

And I want to make this very clear. I am in no way saying that you need to be grateful for the little things, or you need to be more positive, or you are missing out whats good around you because your so focused on your problems. That would be toxic positivity. Just trying to control your behavior rather than actually getting at the root of the problem and fixing it from the ground up.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

You are allowed to feel sad in the situations you feel sad in. You are allowed to feel like you are struggling, and you are allowed to validate your struggle. But when it gets too heavy, remembering the joy in small things helps you make it to the end of that tunnel. These small “pick me ups” are exactly that. They are ways to pick you back up and give you some small strength to keep going for an unknown amount of time.

Because remember, it is a season. Time will keep going with or without you. People around you will talk with or without you. Life will be unpredictable with or without you. But you can take it step by step, and just like long winding stairs, or a long race, the end of it has to come one way or another, and the season will pass. Your job is to keep those legs moving and do what it takes to keep walking.

You got this.

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Growth isn’t aesthetic

I have always been told to do my best, be my best, and when you hear everyone’s growth stories, you see people rise out of the ashes to become some beautiful strong swan from the trenches of darkness.

That’s what it looks like.

But you miss all of the in between stuff. All the behind the scene stuff.

I have grown so much and I have had so many people change their minds about me and admire the growth that I pushed myself through in such a short period of time.

To them, it seems inspiring,

To me, it was a dark dark constant messy loud battle that I sometimes concede to, but end up getting back up and trying again.

I’m fighting thoughts in my mind, I’m talking to myself the whole time. You learn to recognize all your failures, insecurities, and weaknesses. Usually people can see them more than you can. And you face each one of them head on.

And you fail. You will. Don’t ask me how I know. You just will. And you will again. But you get back up, screaming in your own head louder to drown out your thoughts.

You keep going even though you don’t believe the change in decision is actually going to do anything.

You keep going and keep making the decision to take every next step no matter how much you think it wouldn’t work. No matter what anyone says about you. Because people don’t understand the steps your taking.

Because people only think life is one step. Before and after. So they don’t see the turmoil that you go through to get to point A to point B.

So they will see it. They will see you make decisions, and make conclusions, and change your mind, and make new conclusions and new hypothesis about life, until you see yourself as the person you always imagined yourself to be.

And even when you get there. Your still gonna fight battles. It’ll look strong to other people because they aren’t doing the work. They aren’t the one making the hard decisions to stand up again.

The strength is to keep going even though your mind feels like it’s hopeless.

When you reach the beautiful point you have always wanted to be. That strong person, it doesn’t mean you are never afraid anymore. Yeah, you may be able to endure a lot. But you are still fighting a difficult fight. Your just able to last through the turmoil and the storm and make it out the other side when it finally passes. It doesn’t mean the storm is any less strong.

Just know, being a beautiful strong person in the end can be great, but not always a free easy feeling you thought it was going to be. Expect that you will always have to get back up again, and last through the end. It’s being able to emotionally self regulate. It is to find hope even though it feels there is none. It’s to recognize that life is just a series of stories. That’s what makes you strong.

See yourself through. Just last through this story. Until you get to see and experience the next one. You don’t have to like this story, but you can use it to define who you really are in times of trouble.

It’s not easy for anyone. No matter how it looks.

What Happens After Depression (When You Heal)

Depression can take a hold of us for so long. It takes over our lives and almost feels impossible to get out of. It becomes everything you know. Especially having dealt with it a long time, you lose a sense of who you are because all you do is cope.

That being said, what does it look like when you are finally healing out of depression? Here are a few things that are normal and something to expect.

You will:

  1. have ups and downs as you heal

Healing is not linear. I will always say that because people glamorize healing. You may feel that you are taking ten steps back when you just took two steps forward. That is okay, that is normal. You are constantly fighting and struggling what you have known this entire time, which is depression, versus the new reality you are trying to live, which is a healed fulfilled life. Something you probably have not known what is it even like.

Striving for such a life, when you have been depressed for so long is difficult because you do not even know how to get there but are doing everything you can do get there. You are fighting with your very own thoughts, but what is important is that you don’t stop fighting and struggling to get there. Your old self is going to fight back and there is no question that that will happen. You just need to fight back and understand that you have more waiting for you when you heal.

2. have flashbacks of your trauma, but your response will be different

You will start to remember the very things that hurt you, that brought you into the deep depression that got you here. But that will happen. The very trauma that your mind blocked out may come back up again. It may come harder but understand that your mind is different. You have come ahead whether it’s big or little steps. Your mind will respond differently.

Notice how you respond to memories. How different you react to them. The more you face them head on when you are ready, the more you heal and grow stronger past those memories, ready to move on.

3. need to find a new personality

When depression is all you know, you spend all your time either trying to heal from your trauma. You may make jokes about it, or just revel in your sadness, because thats all you really know.

When I was healing out of my depression, I realized that I lost my entire personality, but it has been so long that I do not even know what my personality even looks like. I started letting myself be free to laugh, free to discover what hobbies interested me, and what my boundaries are. I had to find out who I was before I was depressed.

4. need to accept that you are not who you were

This is easy to logically see, but hard to accept. You may always feel like the little girl (or boy) that you have been. Trying to figure out the world. People will only know the version of you that they met you as, and it will be hard for them to change their perspective of you, just as you of yourself.

Know that you are not what you were. Life has changed you, and you have changed you. You are stronger than you were and you need to remember that. You have reached a different chapter of yourself. You need to identify with the new version of yourself. Who is that? Who are you now?

You are allowed to have a past. You are allowed to change your future. You are allowed to be different.

5. be okay with a new direction of thoughts

Sometimes, depression can seem familiar. When you live in it for so long. It becomes comforting to be sad. Because that is what you have known for so long. Happiness can be scary and unknown. You don’t know if it will be fleeting.

It is okay that you are happy sometimes and sad others. It is okay to be happy. It does not mean that something will have the opportunity to ruin your happiness, but it means that you have the opportunity to decide whether you are going to be okay or not. You are in charge of whether you want something to destroy you, or whether you will take it as an opportunity to be a stronger version of yourself.

Conclusion

If something scares you, don’t wait to feel ready. Just do it scared. You will never be ready. Or you will wait a long time to start your life. It is perfectly okay going into new situations (that will enhance and fulfill your life) scared. And just keep breathing through your emotions, and go for it.

Starting your journey of healing through depression may be even scarier than being in depression, but it is all worth it.

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Their Processing is Not Your Problem

I used to be very insecure about what people thought about me. What other people may have heard about me, what other people judged me for and what they shared with other people about their judgements of me.

Preface

I have almost lost a good group of friends because of rumors and assumptions about me that were not true. Which has made me paranoid of every conversation behind my back.

I did not know I was undoing a previous assumption about myself until I have pushed past my social anxiety to chat with some people, and I frequently got the response of “You are not like what I heard you were like”. Quite honestly, I have gotten that quite a few times in my lifetime, and it is a bit frustrating because as I am battling with social anxiety, someone else is free to share all of their assumptions about me to anyone they want.

Thoughts

So, for the longest time, I would constantly think about what people think about every action that I made and it was exhausting to me. I would hate living in my own brain.

Until I came to a point where I told myself, The way they decide to process and understand information is not my problem.

They are capable of making their own conclusions. And trying to control the way everyone decides to process and believe things is exhausting. You have to manage your own mind, but you are trying to manage everyone else’s.

If someone decides to assume something about you and proceed spread information about you, they are that kind of person and will proceed to think that way until they are ready to change. They will do it to you and will do it to others, and people will know it.

If someone easily believes everything they hear, they have a lot more than your rumor to deal with learning. If they easily share that rumor, they have a lot more than just their opinion of you to deal with.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, people are people, and they have their own lives and their own issues that they tend to reflect upon others when they cannot deal with and need to heal with it themselves.

Not to say that to put it in their face, but to say that to understand that it is not a fight worth fighting.

The way you should ease your mind is that you should keep holding true to your actions because you are only responsible for your own actions. The people who want to understand you, will take the time to understand you and will see who you are. The people who just want to fulfill a selfish need, won’t, and that is a problem far beyond you.

Keep being kind to others, keep being the best version of you, and your actions will be louder than someone else’s words.

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If you feel inferior

I have felt inferior my entire life. I believed that I wasn’t good enough to be friends with anyone. That I was just an inconvenience in someone’s life. I believed that everyone was doing me a favor by just giving me a job, or speaking to me because they felt bad for me.

Where I got this from? I am not 100% sure but I can get an inkling.

If you are someone who struggles with being inferior, I want to give you some tips about how to get out of that mindset.

1. Understand that it is just a chosen mindset. It is not reality, it is not truth. Everyone should be treated as if they have something to offer and they should never have to fight for it.

2. The way you carry yourself is the way people decide to see you. If you carry yourself as if you know you are a burden to be around, people are going to feel burdened by you. If you carry yourself with confidence, people are going to feel confident in you. If you carry yourself knowing that you are someone who has worth and doesn’t need to prove it, people will sense that.

3. Give yourself exposure to those you want to feel closer with. Naturally people like us feel like we don’t feel good enough to talk to even the average person. But if you have a hard time getting out of that mindset, expose yourself to that person often. People naturally start to feel comfortable with people they are familiar with, and familiarity comes with frequent exposure.

Conclusion

It truly is mindset. There are a million different perspectives in this world and people are living in their different mindsets. Just change your mindset about social construct and where you stand.

You are worth the time. The moment you were born, you should have never had to fight for your worth. You already have it. And once you truly understand that, is when you are kinder to yourself, and you understand that everyone else could be struggling like you.

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Just Show Up and Do Your Best

My entire life my dad has told me every single day, “Just do your best. Thats all you can do”. And honestly, for the longest time, I did not know what that meant, because I felt like it meant I had to be the best, and my best was not as good as being the best.

But as I got older, I started to understand that my best is enough because my best efforts is all I can do, and that means I put everything into it.

As I lived through anxiety and depression, and struggled with social anxiety and issues with people, yes, I was sad and suicidal, but at the same time, it was always ingrained in me to always just do my best. And that is exactly what I have done.

To me, my best has always looked like other people’s bare minimums, but I realized that it is because I had more inner turmoil to fight than others. Which frustrated me because I hated that I had to work twice as hard to live than other people. I always just assumed everyone was hiding inner pain, but not everyone is. At least not as dark as I thought.

Conversations

One day, I had a conversation with my friend, just updating her on my life, and her life, and she said some nice things about me, but also said that she admires that I just show up and do my best.

Which was crazy because I have never been inspiring or admirable in my life. I honestly feel like I just trudge through life just doing my best, and the best is still the bare minimum for me.

But the fact that someone saw my struggles, and saw my pain, and saw me showing up everyday and still doing my best in everything I did, really taught me something.

Realization

No matter where you are in life, no matter how much you have to struggle or what chapter you are in your story compared to others, people see the effort and strength you put into yourself to pull yourself out and try everything you can to become the best version of yourself. And it inspires other people to be their best self and be a better person in their life.

And honestly, it becomes a rippling effect. You just being a trooper and doing your best everyday can have a butterfly effect and help many people and you may never know it. Cause when I heard that, I was in utter shock.

Conclusion

No matter how unfair you think life is, and how much you struggle, you can still be impacting people in the small things you say and changing lives by you doing your best to be the best version of yourself everyday.

I would have never, in a million years, thought I could be someone that people would see me as strong and inspiring because I feel like a mess all the time. But I guess the very acknowledgement of my mess and the efforts to not let it hold you back from growing is the very thing that can help someone else get back on their feet again.

You may never ever know how you impact others, so be mindful of your actions.

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You Do Not Need to Attend Every Argument You Were Invited To

So I was scrolling through Tiktok I saw this video of this teacher teaching her student’s some valuable lessons, and was touched by what she shared and wanted to talk about it.

She said:

  1. You do not have to attend every argument you were invited to.
  2. If you are arguing with someone you love, the goal should not be to win, but to find peace.
  3. If you argue to win, you need to be okay with losing part of that relationship.
  4. You are allowed to grow from your mistakes.
  5. Unless you are finding a solution, the one who shouts the loudest is usually the greatest fool.
  6. it’s okay to start over.

I loved the fact that this teacher shared all of these encouraging life lessons because it truly is difficult to live in this world. So lets talk about what she said.

  1. You do not need to attend every argument that you were invited to
    • If someone tries to pick a fight with you, and start something, you have every right not to join in that conversation. You have every right to not be a part of it and take yourself out. Yes, it may go on without you, but it is happening without you. Do what it takes to find your peace. And remember that your own actions speak louder than what people say your actions are.
  2. If you are arguing with someone you love, the goal should not be to win, but to find peace
    • The only reason you would fight someone to win, is if you care more about your ego and pride than the other person. If you truly care about the person that you are arguing with, your goal should be to figure it out, to understand where each other is coming from, and is to find peace in the situation.
  3. If you argue to win, you need to be okay with losing part of that relationship
    • If you are arguing just to win, it may be peaceful after, but the other person has made decisions. They could decide that they no longer feel safe to completely open up to you and they will hide it from you. If you are arguing to win, people may not feel like its worth trying to work things out with you and you will lose meaningful relationships. Arguing to win is purely out of pride and ego, and its not worth losing people over.
  4. You are allowed to grow from your mistakes
    • I think this is the hardest for me because I can be forgiving to my mistakes and others, but because I am also a people pleaser, I feel as though, if people don’t think I deserve to move on and grow, then I should not forgive myself until they do. Which is such a harmful way of thinking. It is nice to receive forgiveness, but at the end of the day, you need to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes to become a better version of yourself.
  5. Unless you are finding a solution, the one who shouts the loudest is usually the greatest fool-
    • What this really means is that, the person who goes around sharing and spreading all their rumors and opinions about someone, is the fool because they are the ones who is trying to convince everyone and themselves of their opinion because at the end of the day, they know its not true or they feel some kind of shame or want to hide something.
  6. it’s okay to start over-
    • It truly is okay to start over and be different. If you don’t like yourself, don’t wait until everyone is ready for you to be different. There will never be a time where everyone will forgive you or think its time for you to be different. Or maybe there is. But at the end of the day, no matter what, you can start over and over and over again to keep trying to be a better person no matter what.

Summary

I know it is difficult to interact with people sometimes, and sometimes, its the hardest to forgive yourself because you are the one living with your mistakes, but you can forgive yourself and move on. You are allowed to start over and change. No matter who is ready for you to change or who will believe you.

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