Making Changes

When you start healing, whether you have just started and decided to heal and grow, or you’ve been on the long path of healing and it just seems like there is always another thing to heal through, making changes and keeping up those habits sometimes feels like the most difficult things to do.

Making changes – meaning, being kinder to people, communicating better, cooking more frequently for yourself, cleaning up more often, saving money and taking care of yourself.

These are really difficult tasks to manage, but we have been told to force ourselves to do these things to take care of ourselves, and in theory, yes it does help. But let me tell you why it isn’t entirely helpful.

When you are growing and trying to take care of yourself, it takes a lot of will power to get off of social media, get out of bed, start to cook yourself food or clean up. And at times you are not ready to, and sometimes you never will be ready.

We have a tendency to look at video montages of girls glowing up and becoming “that-girl” within a ten second clip, when it took them an entire year, and we force ourselves to be all that, and after a week or so, we get discouraged because we aren’t there yet.

Growing and healing is a long on going process. I have been really good at being social for the longest time. It was a struggle that I pushed myself to do, but this week, I could not handle everyone. I felt like I give and give, and I don’t get back, and people are living selfishly, not caring how they effect others.

I mean, as they should, but it would have been nice.

Anyways, I took this week off of communicating with friends and hanging out with people. (You truly see who your real friends are). And sometimes that will happen. I am really far into my healing journey. And it’s almost been a year. It started when I moved out at the end of July. But healing is not linear, nor has it ever been. And you will have times where you need a break. The break will not be the same intensity as before and the same duration, but you may have breaks. It is completely normal.


So how do you make changes in your life without so much pushback?

I, genuinely, believe that as you work on your inner self, your self esteem, your anxiety, the motivation for the rest will naturally come. The more you self reflect, the more you work on healing your inner child, fighting the depression, shoving away the anxiety, the more you want to do it.

So, one by one, if brushing your teeth is the only thing you can push yourself to do, try to do that consistently for a while until you feel ready to take on a new task. Then after that, start with just making sure your make up desk is tidy at least once a week. Or attempt to make your bed daily. And if you need to keep buying those food deliveries to feed yourself in the time being, go ahead. Is it taking all the possible savings you could have? Who cares.

What kind of life would you even have if you don’t take care of your current self and heal out of everything you need to heal from. Spend that money, go get that coffee until you want to learn to make your own coffee’s at home because you want a new hobby.

Until you have the mental capacity to do it, get the help you need, and give yourself that grace, and focus all your energy into healing your inner self.

If you need to spend money on a therapist but your scared cause it takes a lot of money? Do it. You are an investment, and you are worth the money that is spent. You need to believe that you are worth the money that is spent on therapy. Worth the money to save your mental health now, so that you can live a thriving quality life in the future.

It is a long journey. It is one that needs to be a priority so that the rest of your life can be lived in the way you deserve to live.

Don’t worry if you aren’t “that girl”. You will be “that girl” when your mind is ready for that next step. And that is when those changes within you will truly change and truly stick.

When there’s some change in you, people will shift no matter what

Something I wish I knew as I was getting older is, when you change, you will most likely experience a new response from the people around you.

Preface

Life is not an easy experience, and nobody really admits it. But it is. It is a whole mess. For mostly everyone. And as you are living in this life, you are growing, and changing (hopefully) to becoming a better and healthier version of yourself everyday.

There are people around you who will also grow and change. They will grow with you, or faster than you, or may not even grow for a long time because of their stubbornness and pride.

So we are all just living in one difficult world and trying to survive.

YOU

In this world, there is you. You are the only one who is living your life and your timeline. As you grow, you change to become what you want to be, what you feel most comfortable to be, or you may just be exploring different parts of yourself. You could also be in a dark period of your life. Regardless, you will change.

You will find your boundaries, find your new hobbies and interests, find out what makes you feel happy, and what makes you feel uncomfortable. And you start acting on those new discoveries.

At the end of the day, you are living your own life, and discovering what would make you feel the happiest and most fulfilled in life, and what is your most authentic self.

Other People

When you change and grow, there are three types of people:

  1. Person 1: People who will love your growth and grow with you
  2. Person 2: People who will hate you for your growth
  3. Person 3: People who will try to adjust to your growth

You want to stay around the people who love and encourage your growth. They love you the most. They want you to be your best self, and do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

The people who hate you for your growth may feel resentful towards you. Tell you that you think you are better than them, and reflect all their insecurities on to you.

And the people who will try to adjust to your growth are pretty non problematic. They will just reconstruct their idea of you from a distant and go with the flow.

What if it is negative change?

In our lives, we are constantly learning and changing and trying new things. So what if we are trying something that is negative. What are the responses?

  1. Person 1: Will always have your back and be by your side, no matter what changes are made. They will tell you their concerns but have your back always. They will always be there for you because they love you.
  2. Person 2: Will shove in your face that you are changing and being a bad person, and maybe even leave you because you did not live up to their standards of what they want you to be.
  3. Person 3: May whisper concerns behind your back but not really do anything about it.

Why

Why am I talking about the three different types of people? Because I want you to identify what is normal in your life. This happens, people respond in all different ways. I am sure there are more different types of people than this, but these are the most typical responses.

Person 1 is the person you want to be friends with. They will always be there for you through the thick and the thin, and they made their choice to love you unconditionally. That is a person you need to cherish.

Person 2 is the person who loves you under condition. They want you to be what they want you to be. They refuse to accept any version of you that is not what they have always known, and there is a good chance that they won’t accept your change because they themselves can’t change.

Person 3: This person isn’t bad, but they are just there. They aren’t really your friends. They care about you but not enough to be someone you keep close.

Moral of the story

These responses are normal. When you change, there will be a shift in your environment. You can’t do something different and expect no kind of reaction and change. But you cannot stay the same forever at the same time.

So when you choose to express yourself and change. Mentally prepare yourself for it, and expect it. Expect the responses and instead of seeing it as rejection or approval, see it as an indicator of who you need to filter out of your life and who you need to cherish.

If you have been throwing a pencil at the wall for quite some time, you can’t expect the same outcome if you decide to throw a bowling ball. If some factor changed, there will be a different outcome.

Expect change when you change. Use it to reveal who you want to keep in your life.

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Tips if you are starting to give up your gym New Years resolution

So let’s face it, most of us had some kind of workout New Years resolution, or at least we tried. At this point, most people stop going to the gym because they have gotten tired of it.

I’m not going to lie. I usually stop going to the gym after one month. But I am still going to the gym because of these tips I constantly remind myself.

TIPS TO KEEP YOU AT THE GYM

1. Results begin to be visible after a month

I don’t know what reason you are going to the gym for. But results are going to be visible for you in a month. Other people may not see it but you will because it’s the slightest change in your own body. Be patient and be consistent.

2. Results become visible to others at 3 months

People are going to be noticing your physical change in three months. And your only taking an hour from each day to work out. People won’t notice until time passes and you are consistent with it.

3. Find a friend to go with

I have tried the New Years resolution of the gym every year. And always failed after one month. My body got tired, and I kept giving myself passes to skip the gym.

That is why having a friend to go to the gym with and keep you accountable really keeps you going. You have to go cause your friend is going and they have already gotten ready. They are even on their way to pick you up! You have no choice but to go!

The hardest part is getting to the gym, and that is the physically easiest part of the whole gym experience.

Get a friend who can keep you accountable.

4. If it was easy, everyone would do it

There is a reason why only a percentage of the world is fit. If it was easy to have that dream summer body, trust me, everyone would have it by now.

But typically everyone quits by one month anyways. If you want those results, you need to think differently. You need to work out consistently.

When you feel like your at a breaking point of not wanting to go, just remind yourself that you’ve come to the bridge where you need to cross in order to make the gym a habit.

5. This year will be different

After you have tried and failed every year, tell yourself that this year will be different. And tell yourself over and over u til you believe it.

I refuse to live the same lifestyle I have lived before. Working a nine to five job. Not actually diving into my passions, always quitting the gym. This is my motto now. This year will be different. There are only twelve months of the year. Take it month by month. You CAN do it. It’s not about ability. It’s about belief.

Conclusion

We have gone through so much the past couple of years. We have had our time to be at home and heal. Stop wasting your time and get back up. You only have one life to live and whether you start at 16 or 45, you have to start sometime. Better now than never.

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You Don’t Owe Anyone Anything

For the longest time, I have been around people who believed they were entitled to anything that wanted out of me.

Or maybe they weren’t entitled but they sure acted like it.

They acted like I had to give up my personal secrets because the status of our friendship or relationship, or I had to give up my body because I have given it before.

And the worst thing that I did, was believe them. Believed that because they decided to share a secret with me, it would be wrong for me to not share back. Or give up my body because I have already given it up, but if I didn’t want to, I had to promise to never to give myself to anyone else. Even though we were going our separate ways. Honestly, I should’ve lied. It would’ve gotten me out of the situation faster.

Or doing something for someone because the favors they have done for me were always transactional. I never agreed to it, but I am apparently forever indebted because their favors cost that much.

Was I a pushover? Or were these people especially entitled narcissists.

I want to say that it was both. I was a pushover. I never wanted to stand up for myself because I always chose to understand others, but I didn’t understand what boundaries meant. Also, they were mentally ill. I’m not gonna sugar coat it.

I am still a little angry about it honestly. I don’t know how I didn’t see the red flags. I don’t know why I never felt like I was allowed to draw a line and stand up for myself. But, I guess I learned very late.

So if you are struggling with people feeling entitled to you, here are some things to remember:

  1. No Matter what has happened, nobody is entitled to anything from you.
  2. At the end of the day, you are the only one who can keep standing up for you.
  3. You have every right to keep your boundaries, and you don’t need to prove it to anyone. Just being born as a human, you have those rights.
  4. Love yourself, take care of yourself how you would take care of someone you love and care about.
  5. Remember, you don’t owe anyone ANYTHING, and nobody is entitled to ANYTHING from you.

I do regret being a pushover and falling into the wrong crowd. All I truly wanted was to be valued as a human. And for some reason it was really hard to find that. And I don’t know why it took 27 years to realize that I have value and I didn’t have to beg for it, or I didn’t have to listen to what anyone and everyone told me to do.

So, if you are someone who struggles with this. Start now. You 100% have every right to keep whatever you want to yourself, give whatever you want of yourself to others. You don’t need to prove that to anyone. You don’t need to convince anyone. Anyone who makes you give a part of you that you don’t want to, does not respect you, and only cares about themselves.

Value yourself. Period. If you feel like you need a history to decide whether you are able to value yourself, forget it. Start over. You should’ve valued yourself from the start. So if not then, start now.

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Why Manifestation LOGICALLY works

I used to be the safest person you can get to. Will not move forward with anything if the there was too big of a risk. But I truly hated my life and everything that I did. It was boring, it was too safe, and overall it was not rewarding.

I have one life to live, and I am living it in order to die with money saved. Nothing about my life had life in it.

That being said, when I learned the world manifestation, I truly believed that people were just needing a reason to believe in something. To me, nothing about it was real. You can’t just ask the world for something and it’s just going to give you want you want. That is not how life works.

None of it made sense to me until I decided to really think about why some people claim their manifestation works. Because you see the results, but it made no sense to just ask the life spirits for what you want. So how did they get there?

Because they acted like they were going to get it.

I am a firm believer in the mind being powerful. Your mind in a powerful space because whatever you think and believe will change the way you act.

For example, if you believe that you will reach your goal body this summer. The reason why you will, is because you start acting like it. You go to the gym regularly and consistently because it isn’t a choice, it will happen simply so.

Your entire attitude changes as well as your perspective when you choose to believe a different way, and your behavior changes naturally according to it.

This is why manifestation works

When you truly believe that you are going to get your dream life, you will work as if you already have your dream life. Your work ethic is 100% all in, because you are expecting it to be all in.

If you go into your dreams doubting yourself 10%, you will slow down ten percent. You will make compromises if the work and effort you are putting into it is truly worth it. You don’t get the results of you would if you put 100%.

You manifesting something, is you believing that it will come true. It is sending your energy and giving positive energy into the world and people will notice and see that, and are drawn to you because they thrive off of it.

Manifest your dream. If you don’t get it, then you only learned persistence and hard work. But you only truly lose the moment you stop trying to get up.

Seven Lovely Logics

Disclaimer: I did not think of these, I discovered these on tiktok from a user named @shaynateresetaylor.

So on tiktok, I came across this beautiful video. The Seven Lovely Logics. I was surprised when I heard this because I don’t hear many people giving advice like it. But, these are some inspirations that I live by, so, aside from the video, I wanted to share and explain each one.

@shaynateresetaylor

SEVEN LOVELY LOGICS

  1. Make peace with your past so it doesn’t spoil your present.
  2. What other’s think of you is none of your business
  3. Time heals almost everything… give the time, some time.
  4. No one is the reason for your happiness except yourself.
  5. Don’t compare your life with others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.
  6. Stop thinking too much, it’s okay not to know all the answers.
  7. Smile, you don’t own all the problems in the world.

I can promise you from my own experience, if you live these, whole heartedly, you will become a more peaceful and happier person. But what does these even mean? I gotchu.

Make peace with your past so it doesn’t spoil your present.

Photo by Hadija Saidi on Unsplash

Most of us have some kind of trauma or bad experience that we don’t want to relive or we still feel triggered by. If you start boiling up or getting angry at a small situation, you may somehow feel triggered. You may have trauma that you shove in the back of your head until it disappears so you never have to experience it in your mind again.

Trust me, I have and had all of it. I try to ignore my darkest moments and focus on happier times, but thats not how memory works. It may come back and flash as a memory in your mind again. You may feel a lot of fear because that person is still out there and has the power to hurt or even harm you again.

Depending on the trauma that you have, remind yourself that you are in a safe space right now, and right now, everything is okay. Does it mean everything is okay in the future? No, but it is a start to prepare you to make peace with your past.

You can’t control the future, but you cannot live in your past, and your present is being wasted in the thoughts you cannot control.

So how do we make peace with our past? When you are in a safe place, acknowledge that it is the past, and take the time to remember the past. Remember it and start writing and feeling your most honest emotions. What you were feeling and why you were feeling it.

Validate it. You felt that way for a reason, and you have every right to feel what you feel. Does not mean you were in the right of the situation, does not mean you are being selfish if you don’t look at that perspective. Just validate that your experience really did bring you pain and it is something that you couldn’t understand, and did not know how to process.

Acknowledge it. Acknowledge that this was uncharted territory that you did not know how to manage your way through. Then acknowledge and accept what happened. I know it’s painful. I know that some trauma we have is trauma we refuse to accept as a part of our lives and a part of our history. But you can not get rid of it without accepting that it did happen and what happened happened.

What other’s think of you is none of your business

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

This one is my favorite because I have spent my entire life caring about other people’s opinions of me. It was my entire personality. The moment I was fully free from it, I had no idea who I even was and how I contributed to the world because I spent most of my growing life trying to be everything that was loved and adored.

What other people think about you is not your business. It quite frankly isn’t. This is how the power of perspective comes into play.

Everyone has their own perspective of the world and no two is the same. That means, people make assumptions about you immediately. Some more stubborn than others, but as they get to know you more (if they choose) they need to break down their understanding of you and rebuild it again.

Their perspective of you is also built from their own experiences, and because you have not lived the way they have lived and processed it, it is not the one you live. The image that you are fighting in your everyone’s mind is everyone else’s understanding of every individual experience in life. So their perspective of you, is a reflection of how their view life. Even your parents or your best friend. And someone else’s understanding and perspective of life is truly not your business, but theirs to processes and build.

Time heals almost everything… give the time, some time.

Photo by Aron Visuals on Unsplash

I remember when I was in college, I would tell myself that I would be different, I would heal quickly and change quickly if people saw something undesirable in me. I thought, because I can control my actions, I can change easily. I just need to be consistent.

That is definitely not the case. You need to trust time. If you have flashes of memories that you do not want to remember anymore, don’t shove it in the back of your mind. Embrace it. Acknowledge that you are sad or you are still hurt, but it isn’t your current reality and time will heal you. Then after you acknowledge the feeling, move on to your immediate surroundings.

This will help you not to avoid the memory, but to acknowledge it, but also acknowledge where you are now. You are no longer running away.

No one is the reason for your happiness except yourself.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

This goes for all emotions. Stop blaming your emotions on other people. Other people did not make you feel anything. You have complete control over your emotions, and if you don’t, you need to work on yourself.

Someone can try to hurt you, but you can be so secure in yourself, that their comments or actions don’t hurt at all. It truly is the way you take it and perceive the situation.

Yeah, if someone cheats on you, you probably will hurt. That’s okay to hurt, but stop practicing blaming your emotions on other people, just acknowledge that this situation hurt you and you’re going to need to take time to heal. But at the end of the day, nobody is responsible for how you feel, choose how you respond and feel towards people. Be who you want to be.

That being said, don’t blame your eternal unhappiness on someone who did something that isn’t what you wanted them to do. Choose to find peace in your heart even though there is a storm around you. It is possible. I am thriving right now and I have petty people trying to drag me down, but it no longer hurts me because I chose to learn my value.

Don’t compare your life with others, you have no idea what their journey is all about.

Photo by Vlad Bagacian on Unsplash

Everyone’s idea of success is different. Mine used to be money and marriage status, because that is what my mother always wanted for me. But now it is happiness and kindness. That is my measure of success.

Not only is everyones personal definition of success different, but you don’t know what people are going through in order to have gotten where they are now. You don’t know what hurt them or pushed them.

Maybe you are upset that people have a group of friends and you have always wanted one. You see them laughing on the street going to eat together. You don’t know what is happening between closed doors. Maybe a girl is backstabbing her friend, or they are all leaving another friend out.

Or even perfect relationships. I am convinced that the longer the post, and the more frequent the post, the more unhappy the relationship is. It almost seems like they are posting enough to convince themselves that they are okay. People have gotten good at hiding what does not seem perfect.

Measure your own life with your own progress. How far did YOU come? Are you proud of that growth in yourself if you had only yourself to compare?

Stop thinking too much, it’s okay not to know all the answers.

Photo by Sinitta Leunen on Unsplash

The unknown is such a scary place to be. We often don’t want to be in the unknown. We want to know what’s coming so we can be prepared for it. Why is that? How did we get to that point?

It is okay not to know. Ignorance is sometimes bliss.

Make the unknown exciting. What is next in your life? What new adventures will come your way that you never expected! Life is full of surprises, trust the path that the universe wants to give you.

At the end of the day, really meditate on enjoying the process, because you will miss all the beautiful flowers on the way.

Smile, you don’t own all the problems in the world.

Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash

Yes, the world sucks. And we feel for all these people, but find what you are grateful for in your heart. Show yourself gratitude for how far you came and who you are, and where you are in the path of who you want to be. Take a second to be thankful for all the blessings that have already come your way.

CONCLUSION

Living this way did not take me a day or a month or even a year. Living this way took me years of constant self reflection. To be as happy and at peace as I am now. I went from wanting to unalive myself, to living my life to the happiest and fullest and loving all my friends and family.

I got to this point because I had people in my life that pushed me to the limit. Who wanted to make sure that I believed I wasn’t worth it. And I did believe it. But a little part of me didn’t think that was right and I refused to feel like that anymore. I refused to let anyone take my joy and peace from me.

I changed when it pushed me to the limit. But you don’t have to wait that far. Maybe I had to be pushed in order to bloom like a flower. Maybe you don’t need to.

Get back up. You only fail when you choose to fail. The other side is so beautiful.

Self Care Vs. Self Soothing

When you are sad or depressed, and the first thing that media tells you to do if practice self care. This was trending for the longest time to find a way to take care of yourself and put yourself first.

So when I was very depressed for years and tried everything to get myself back on my feet, I, too, tried self care.

What is self care? Well, what the media was describing self care was bubble baths, retail therapy, taking down time to watch your favorite TV shows, going out and doing something fun.

And that is exactly what I did. A lot.

I have developed an inexcusable habit of retail therapy and called it “Self Care”. Taking care of myself by doing things that make me happy. And I say happy because happy is a temporary emotion. But in actuality, I was spending more money than I needed to, I was eating out so many times and blowing money left and right. I wasn’t balancing my life correctly. Yes, indulge in things that make you happy, but keep a good balance in your life.

That being said. We have often confused “Self Care” and “Self Soothing”.

This description that we have been telling ourselves that “Self Care” is actually Self Soothing. The very definition of “Soothing” in Google is “having a gently calming effect”. When you calm someone down, you may be distraction yourself, or treating yourself. Doing things that you know will make you happy. For example, soothing a baby when it’s crying and acting out, you basically give the baby what it wants!

Self Care is a whole different ball game. The definition of “Care” in Google is “the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.”

Necessary is our key word here. Necessary for health, welfare, maintenance, and protecting someone. Bubble baths are not necessary to have good health. Shopping is not necessary for the maintenance of someone. Especially not retail therapy. Spending money on all those trips are not necessary for your livelihood.

Self care means taking care of yourself as if someone else was taking care of you.

  1. Brushing your teeth
  2. Showering
  3. Cooking food for yourself
  4. Sleeping on time
  5. Waking up on time
  6. Budgeting your money
  7. Maintaining your responsibilities
  8. Doing your laundry
  9. Washing your dishes

And it really isn’t that easy. I know. It takes a lot of effort. But the moment you accomplish brushing your teeth on the daily, you start healing and taking care of yourself. Picking yourself back up. Budgeting your money so you aren’t self sabotaging yourself.

The moment you start these little tasks, your life starts to change. Even when you haven’t done any mental work yet.

But how do I even do this? How should I encourage myself to do these things?

  1. Set Alarms on your phone
courtesy of Unsplash

I know you have your phone on you at all times. If you don’t, you are a different species that I may not be able to help. Set your alarms on your phone and make a million of them.

  • When to wake up
  • When to make breakfast
  • When to start getting ready
  • When to leave for work to be there on time
  • When to eat dinner
  • When to do a task that you need to do
  • When you brush your teeth
  • When to read
  • When to go to sleep

And it will be very hard to follow your alarms, but you need to try. Maybe you procrastinate for the first couple of days or weeks, but always strive to listen when the alarms go off.

2. Make a list

courtesy of Unsplash

This one works for me the best. Make a list of the things you have to do. Preferably have this list on your refrigerator or the most common place you will see it. Then, write a bunch of tasks that you need to do, but not only the important tasks, but also write the smallest tasks. Such as brushing your teeth, ordering a meal (if you can’t make meals yet, just make sure you eat), making your bed, drinking water, or charging your phone.

These small tasks are very accomplishable, and are non threatening for you to take care of yourself slowly. Don’t tackle it all at once. Nobody is making you. If they are, take some space from them. You have every right to go at your own speed because it is your life. Every time you check off the tasks, you will feel more motivated and make sure you take a little pride in every task you accomplish!

3. Accountability

courtesy of Unsplash

I know you aren’t in the mindset of it. But just tell your friend your plans to get back on your feet. Have a friend, have a therapist or a family member help you with taking accountability of your goals. Make sure this friend is graceful with your timing and your pain and struggle. When you feel like you are truly struggling, have a friend come and help you cook or get your ass to take a shower. Or just do it for you. If you don’t have a friend like that, you may need to act like your own friend. The act of your apartment getting clean and your own body being maintained is a form of caring about yourself. You making the effort of it getting done.

If you are not at your best state and you want to get back up. Self soothing is great once a week or twice a week. But try to spend your energy with self care. Taking care of your mind, body, and soul. Taking care of your living area. You will slowly feel yourself taking back the power of your own life. You are the only one who is able to truly take care of yourself at the end of the day. Nobody can (or should) really make you do anything.

So drink some water. You got this. 🙂