“Tone it Down”

For some reason, this bothered me so much.

For context, let’s talk about what the phrase “tone it down” means. Normally people use this phrase when you are too loud, or too emotional.

In either situations, the phrase “tone it down” is never truly helpful to anyone. Whether you are in a public space or a private space, someone that has a heightened emotional reaction, won’t be listening to “tone it down”.

Now, let’s be reasonable. If you are in a life threatening situation and your hiding, you should probably be quiet, but this is not the case.

Whether the person is validated in feeling the emotion or not, telling them to shut down because they are reacting too emotional not only creates a barrier between you and them, but shows a lot about the person saying “tone it down.”

When you are focused on how loud someone is, whether they are crying or angry, and you’re focused on their reaction and what people will think of the reaction, or if the reaction is making other people stare and, or be uncomfortable, you don’t care. You either:

  1. Care about all the stranger’s opinions that you don’t know and will never interact with in your life.
  2. Care about people that are okay, rather than the person who is actually in pain.
  3. Care about yourself and your self image and how other people see you.
  4. Feel entitled that an emotional reaction means a weak, uncontrolled person.
  5. Are focused on the external factors rather than using your words to help reassure someone to feel the calmness that you are trying to get them to feel.
  6. Are not focused on the actual issue.

When someone is feeling an emotion that needs to be vented out or communicated out, and they are too loud, at that point, you have not been listening, or that person has not been heard. So automatically their natural instinct is to speak louder. If you want to be a safe place for that person, then know that they will tone it down when they have felt heard. If you are in a private space and they are venting loudly, you should identify that volume as the level of pain and grief that someone experiences.

Telling them to “tone it down”, immediately makes the assumption that they are in a superior position to tell you what to do, that you are not a safe space because you don’t care about the issue and the pain, you care more about the environment that you are in and the people in it. Or you feel that the expression of emotion is something to be embarrassed about or it’s an uncontrollable, unattractive reaction.

but it’s not.

Yes, there is a time and place for everything, but there are so many things you can say other than tone it down. If you want to de-escalate an emotion, then you need to show them that you are listening, that you want to listen. And if it is not the time and place, you let them know that you are so sorry about what is happening, and would love to be there for them and ask if there is a time that you both can talk about it.

Not only does that person feel heard, their emotions de-escalate, they feel safe. No buts, no comments saying that this is an “inappropriate place to speak loudly”. Just purely, you wanting to listen, but wanting to find a place that we can safely talk.

So rather than telling someone to “tone it down”, LISTEN. Listen to what that person has to say, feel the emotion and the pain that came from the volume of their voice. Be that person they can feel safe with. And if there needs to be a better place, let them know you want to be there for them, and talk about when you can meet them in a safe place.

There is nothing wrong with your emotion. There’s nothing wrong with being an expressive person. Pick people wisely.

What does “Look for Joy in the Small Things” Mean?

For the longest time, this statement seemed like a useless tactic. Look for joy in the small things. So you’re telling me to ignore the very issue that is creating a whole shift in perspective around me? Nothing is normal around me, and you expect me to just, look at the flower and think, yeah, because that pretty flower exists, I am probably gonna be okay.

It just seemed pointless to me. I felt like, people who say this, must have not had it really badly if they can just say, look for joy in the small things. But that, in fact, is not the case.

What does it mean to “Look for Joy in the Small Things”?

It means that we need to understand that life has its seasons. When you have storms, you are going to have struggles, and they will come and go, but they will come and go on their own time, not yours.

You will be in the midst of that storm and you will feel that storm.

Photo by – – on Unsplash

Now, I don’t want to say all this to make you lose all hope entirely. I say it to validate what you are going through. It is not easy. If it is not easy to you, it is not easy. That is all that matters. So don’t entirely dismiss that. Don’t dismiss it, don’t compare it, don’t undermine it. It is what it is, and it is what you are experiencing.

It is difficult. Nothing that is new will be easy the first time. Especially when you have to do it alone.

When you ride a bike for the first time, you wont be a speedster. When you draw your first picture, you wont be Picasso, when you play your first instrument, you wont be Mozart at it.

When you deal with a negative experience for the first time, you won’t know the best way to react and deal with it. So it is okay that you are not okay, even if it may seem easy to someone else. This is your moment to figure it out and go through the initial hard moments.

Photo by Melanie Stander on Unsplash

So first, be forgiving on yourself. It isn’t easy and it won’t be easy for a while to deal with these emotionally draining situations.

Second, don’t think about the big picture. Don’t think about how to solve the overall problem. This may cause anxiety over the long run of what may happen in the future. Stop it. Don’t think about that. Just think about the next best choice you can make for now. The next best choice, the next right step you can think of in your current state.

Photo by Jukan Tateisi on Unsplash

Third, this will be a trudging time for you. It may be hard to keep your head up. The end of the tunnel may feel too far. But just find joy in the small things. A laugh with your friends, a beautiful flower that you have never seen before, your dog curling up next to you on a quiet Sunday morning, support of people you love, or maybe a hobby that gives you joy. It can be any of these. But taking time to appreciate the small things that make you happy is like a little less weight on your shoulders.

And I want to make this very clear. I am in no way saying that you need to be grateful for the little things, or you need to be more positive, or you are missing out whats good around you because your so focused on your problems. That would be toxic positivity. Just trying to control your behavior rather than actually getting at the root of the problem and fixing it from the ground up.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

You are allowed to feel sad in the situations you feel sad in. You are allowed to feel like you are struggling, and you are allowed to validate your struggle. But when it gets too heavy, remembering the joy in small things helps you make it to the end of that tunnel. These small “pick me ups” are exactly that. They are ways to pick you back up and give you some small strength to keep going for an unknown amount of time.

Because remember, it is a season. Time will keep going with or without you. People around you will talk with or without you. Life will be unpredictable with or without you. But you can take it step by step, and just like long winding stairs, or a long race, the end of it has to come one way or another, and the season will pass. Your job is to keep those legs moving and do what it takes to keep walking.

You got this.

Check out my podcast “Mentally Okay” or Anchor and Spotify!

People know your worth. They are hoping you don’t.

People know your worth. They are hoping you don’t.

When I heard this quote from someone, I was shocked.

I have been battling my self worth for as long as I could remember. I had great self esteem when I was younger but it was destroyed by people didn’t like it. I am not sure why, but for some reason, people had an issue with me being okay with myself.

So hearing this was the most confusing statement that I heard when it came to my self worth.

If someone knew my self worth, why would they treat me as though I did not have any self worth. How do you know people know your worth? Why have I been fighting for my self worth for the longest time?

“They are hoping you don’t”

People who are hoping you don’t see your worth are people who feel low self esteem as well. These people want you to believe that they are better than you, and through that, they treat you in a way that seems like you don’t have very much worth.

If you don’t believe they have worth, they hope that you believe they have more worth than them. They also believe that worth is conditional, and two people cannot have the same amount of worth. There will always be a ranking to them and that truly does stem from other people in their lives who have treated them conditionally and loved them conditionally, comparing them to other people constantly.

People who have low self worth

These types of people who try to put you down, are very fragile, so it isn’t worth putting in their face that they are weak and don’t have self esteem. They already know it, and they fear other people will see it, which is why they take so much effort to make sure everyone believes that they are better than you.

What to do

Keep living your life. Keep focusing on yourself, and trust that people can see your worth already and you don’t need to prove it to anyone. The way people choose to treat you, does not reflect your worth but their own self of self worth. Feel empathy, and just focus on yourself. Know that people can tell.

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Understand Your Emotional Patterns

Not many people tell you track your emotional patterns. Whether you feel like you are not an emotional person or not, it is always a good idea to know yourself well.

We, as human beings, have emotion and a lot of us don’t know how to handle ourselves when we feel sad, or anger, or other emotions. We try our best, but our decision making and perspective of the world tends to get clouded by whatever emotion we are feeling.

This makes life an ongoing up and down experience for most of us and what becomes unpredictable is really our reaction to a situation.

So what does it mean to understand your emotional patterns?

Understanding Your Emotional Patterns

Identify how you felt immediately, how you felt while you were processing, and how you felt after some time. This may be after you took a nap, or ate some food.

Every time you feel a similar emotion, just take note of how you are feeling during these times. And then when you are feeling stable, take a look at your notes and see the similarities between them.

  1. How do I tend to act immediately?
  2. How do I tend to feel as I process?
  3. How do I tend to feel after some time has passed?

Asking yourself these questions, will help you understand yourself and understand your tendencies.

Results

When you are able to track your emotional tendencies, your emotions won’t be as much of a shock anymore. They won’t be as intense because you are aware that this is how you respond.

You may even be more patient to understand the situation at hand, and may be able to make a sound perspective after time passes, knowing your tendencies.

Summary

Take the time to get to know yourself. It helps a great deal to make it through this life.

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I asked Twitter What is their Favorite Way to Pick Themselves Back Up after A Bad Day, and these were their responses!

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety and depression, and I know for myself, it happens when I don’t physically take care of myself.

I have not really eaten substance for days, and I have been sleeping late. And physical health has a direct effect on my mental health personally.

So, one day I asked Twitter, what is something you do to pick yourself back up after a bad day? These were the replies:

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There were a lot of replies that had to do with taking care of your physical health, or treating yourself to something you love, or even a peaceful time. People felt at peace and happier when they spent time with their significant other and their pets that they love.

Most Common Responses

  • Sleep
  • Eat
  • Watch something
  • Spend time with loved ones (animal + human)
  • Read a book

Realization

More than just everyone having something to help them feel better, you notice that everyone had something they immediately do to take care of themselves, and most of these are very healthy options to revert your attention to when struggling with a bad day.

The entire world is struggling whether you can see it in their face or not, and the best thing we can do, is not act and make conclusions on our emotions, but rather, take time to take care of our current emotional state before we move on.

The fact that so many people already had their go to feel better choice, shows how everyone is just trying to keep going in this life, and has accepted that life just really sucks sometimes, but there are reasons to maintain your mental health and keep going.

Moving Forward

I am not gonna lie. I am not emotionally stable, ever. But as I take care of my physical health and surround myself with healthy genuine people, it has been easier to regulate my mental health, and learn the importance of a community.

I have been able to identify when my mind skews a situation and when I don’t need to feel anxiety. No, I am not perfect at all, and I am learning the basics of maintaining my mental health to keep going in my life.

Ending my life is not really an option, so my other option is to learn how to keep going.

Find your Self-Soothing Activity

If you feel similar to me, find your self soothing activity. And know yourself. That means, know what triggers you and why. What makes you happy and sad, know why you react the way you react. The wisest people know themselves very well.

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How We Should Perceive Our Negative Emotions

Listen, everyone goes through something. I rarely meet anyone that has lived a happy life their entire life. We all experience emotions and it effects our life in so many ways.

That being said, usually when you experience some kind of situation that makes you sad, angry, depression, irritated, or anything we tend to make a definitive statement and already create a reality out of it.

From just the feeling we get.

We literally, create a new reality of what we think is actually happening, based on a emotional reaction.

Now I am not saying emotions are bad and should be avoided. In fact, embracing, feeling, and loving my emotions (especially crying) has honestly made me the most emotionally strongest I have ever been.

I have been told that I am too sensitive and too emotional my entire life, and I have tried to suppress all of my emotions, which made me even more unstable.

The moment I have embraced my emotions, is the moment that I had become stronger. The moment I started to love feeling my feelings and crying over everything I wanted to cry about, is the moment people around me have even realized that I have become and am emotionally strong.

Which is the craziest thing, because you wouldn’t think that those that are “emotionally strong” are the ones that cry all the time. But, believe it or not, I got so tired of trying to be “strong”. But once I stopped avoiding my emotional reactions, I truly was able to handle any emotional reaction because feelings weren’t scary anymore. They were just, feelings that I had that I validated. They were not reality, they were just reactions.

So before I continue, try it. Regardless of what anyone’s preconceived ideas area bout emotions, just cry when you want to cry and just acknowledge when you are scared or sad. And if you’re sad, be sad. Tell yourself, “well, I am sad right now because this situation makes me sad.” Period. That’s it. Keep doing it.

I kid you not. When I would try to be emotionally strong and keep it together, I was told I was too sensitive. And the moment I embraced all my reactions and emotions, I have been told that I am emotionally strong. And I would recommend to everyone, to stop shoving their emotions down.

Emotions are just that.

They are emotions and only emotions. They are reactions.

Just because you have an initial emotional reaction, does not mean that whatever you fear is happening, is reality. Whatever you fear people are thinking about you, is not reality. It is just your fear, it is just your reaction. Your initial reaction.

Your emotions are not anything but your reactions, and your reactions come from your past experiences, insecurities, and fears. So when you are experiencing a situation that brings up negative feelings, your emotional reaction consists of all of these.

Whether it is true or not, the emotional reaction is still a reaction, and only a reaction. People can perceive the same situation in different ways because they experienced life in different ways. They have different fears and insecurities.

When you have an emotional reaction, it is important to experience it and feel it and address it. Tell yourself you are feeling this way for a reason. Verbalize what you are feeling and tell yourself why you may be feeling this way. Out loud. This will help you experience and acknowledge your emotions.

Then let yourself know that it is okay that you are feeling this way.

After you feel your emotions and address it, now you have more mental and emotional space to think about the issue. And acknowledge that you don’t know exactly what is happening in everyone’s head, and this may not be resolved quickly, but do what you can, do your part, and know that that is all you can do. Then keep living your daily life and doing what you need to do.

I have found letting yourself feel what you are experiencing, can help you understand yourself. Understand your past experiences, understand your boundaries, and understand your personality. Then it helps you make further decisions about your life.

Separating those emotions from your thoughts can help you make clear sound decisions rather than rash decisions, causing more issues. Acknowledging your emotions can help you understand that your emotions are just reactions that you are having to the situation.

Start feeling your emotions, and let go. Because you will become a lot stronger if you stop fearing your feelings.

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What to do if you are discouraged about your dreams

This year in 2022, I made it my mission to follow my dreams.

That means, I will work on things that bring me joy, and pursue and create, even if there is a possibility that it I may be wasting my time.

I have been consistently blogging for three weeks now, and honestly, I am already doubting myself. I feel like, no matter how much I would love to make blogging a full time job, the blogging world is too saturated.

Sometimes, I think I should just go for real estate so I don’t waste my time.

I just wanted to be able to make a living by doing things that bring me joy. I quit my entire life and everything I worked towards, I am almost thirty, and I’m out here trying to work towards dreams that are not guaranteed.

Am I wasting my time? Is it not worth it?

I’m not sure and I don’t have the answer to that. But as I am writing this, I realize that three weeks is not enough to start getting discouraged. I know that for sure. People spend years and years working hard for what they love.

It is easy to get discouraged when things are not guaranteed. But I am not willing to go to a nine to five and work doing things I truly hate, or things that don’t fulfill me.

I really am not willing to go back. I don’t want to go to plan b. I need plan A to work. I love writing blogs everyday, I love to talk about fashion and beauty. It gets me so excited.

If you are feeling discouraged because of your dreams, just keep going. At least go all in for one year and see where it goes. Give it your 100% for one year. If you gain no traction, maybe re-evaluate.

If you do, maybe you have potential to grow and be everything you want to be.

Some things you can do to track your growth are:

1. Write down your milestones

2. Write down each attainable goal.

3. Write down your achievements

With each moment you achieve, if you write them down, you are able to see your progress. If you don’t, you forget everything you have achieved and where you came from.

Be patient. Remember all your previous successes did not flourish overnight or within one day, why would this one? Give yourself time. Sometimes all you need is time.

Be consistent. Try not to miss a day. Whatever you are working towards, don’t miss a day of practice, or auditions, or working. Treat it like it is already a full time job. Regardless of what income it may bring.

Understand the industry. Is it normal to not get responses quickly? Take the time to get to know the experiences of successful people and how they got to the top.

Don’t settle. Life is so much more when you stop settling for what comes easier, and start going for what fulfills you and gives you drive.

At the end of the day. You truly have one life to live, and you need to be okay with how you choose to live it.

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10 ways to pick yourself out of a gloomy mood

There are several reasons why you could be in a dreary drab mood. Whether you just got broken up with, you heard some bad news, your hormones make you feel irritated, or you just wake up and feel dreary from the gloomy weather.

Sometimes we just don’t feel the best, and we can’t get out of bed. Or maybe we feel sad and we can’t even pin point why. It happens, and you will have days like that in life.

We are humans and emotions are a huge part of our beings that we can’t just ignore.

So how do we get out of the gloomy feeling?

Here are some ideas to get you back up and running:

1. Remind yourself that your just not having a good day.

Sometimes we like to equate a bad day or a bad week to a bad life, but it does not have to be like that. Your entire outlook of your life is based on your perspective. Two people can have the same life, but one can think they have a great life overall, and one can hate their life. It’s really all about perspective.

Sometimes we do have gloomy days and we just need to let it be gloomy. Sometimes we just need to treat ourselves in ways that we wouldn’t on a normal day to pick ourselves up, which brings us to number two.

2. Treat yourself with food

What is that meal that you love but can’t have often because you reserved it for special occasions? This would be the perfect time to get it!

Whether it’s the chicken Alfredo from Olive Garden or the pink drink at Starbucks, treat yourself with something to make the moment feel a little more special and different.

3. Treat yourself with something you’ve been wanting.

Have you had something in your Amazon cart or Princess Polly cart that has just been sitting there in one of your million tabs on your internet browser? Maybe today is that day!

Buying a little something that you have been wanting gives you a little pick me up to look forward to.

4. Go to the gym

Working out really helps your mental health. While you work out, you release endorphins, therefore becoming happier. It definitely makes you feel less sluggish and gloomy.

5. Hang out with friends

When you are gloomy, it is the worst feeling when you are alone. Not because you are alone, but your thoughts are your own to battle with at that point. Just because you feel something, does not mean that it is reality.

The best thing you can do is get out of your head, and having a friend with you can force yourself out of your head because there is a someone else in your immediate space that is demanding your attention. Therefore, it forces you to get out of your head more than it would if you were alone.

6. Have a little movie marathon with your favorite snacks

Have you been meaning to watch the Harry Potter series for a while? Or any series?

Grab your favorite candies and tastiest snacks, make yourself an amazing smoothie, light those candles, set the mood, and start that series you’ve always wanted to watch.

When your feeling this way, it is best to do whatever you can to get out of that headspace until your in a better mind to understand why you feel like that. But first and foremost, take care of yourself.

7. Take a walk with music

The brisk air has benefits to your mind that you may not realize! Listening to your favorite music as your breathing in fresh air, doing some cardio, can do some chemical rewiring and refreshing to your brain and help you have a different perspective!

Don’t under estimate a good walk in the park!

8. Drink some water

Believe it or not, you can just feel this way because you are dehydrated. Don’t rule out a good cup of water. Staying hydrated can give you energy and refresh your brain.

It’s a simple solution but it doesn’t hurt to try it to rule it out!

9. Take a nap

Sometimes you may feel this way because you need a nap.

Physical work can drain our energy, emotions can drain our energy, overworking our brains can drain our energy, and not doing enough can also drain our energy.

Sometimes the best solution to have is just to take a good refreshing nap and wake up ready to restart your mind and soul.

10. Spa Day

Lastly, have a spa day at home. This is my favorite because I love pampering myself.

Put on that clay face mask you got from Ulta, or the hair mask you picked up on your Target run!

Give yourself a bubble bath with candles as you watch your favorite movies with your laptop in the toilet seat. We all know you do it!

These are so inexpensive but makes the experience of relaxation go a long way. When you start taking care of yourself, you learn to take care of your mind.

Conclusion

We all have gloomy days. It happens, and it is normal. It is also very important to address. Your mental health should come first before anything else. It effects your entire livelihood. Because you are the only person who lives your life, you need to make sure that it is taken care of.

If you have any other tips, share them below!

10 ideas to Self Soothe in times of Stress

When you’re feeling stressed or depressed, we tend to tell ourselves that we need to invest more time in self care. We often mistake self care for self soothing. Self soothing is a practice where you invest in enjoyable and relaxing activities that you may enjoy. Activities that you may treat yourself in!

What is self care?

Self care is the act of taking care of your mental and physical well being. That means, cleaning your house/apartment, eating healthy foods three times a day, sleeping and maintaining a schedule, having 30 minutes of active exercise, and even budgeting and being financially responsible with your money.

What is self soothing?

Self soothing is the act of treating yourself. This could mean having a bubble bath, going on a vacation, going shopping, and generally doing things that you want to do that you know will make you happy. It is temporary to reduce your stress levels so that you are able to center yourself again and keep going.

The difference

Self care is maintaining the basic needs of your being. That means taking care of yourself and your routine. Basically the responsible things to do. Self soothing is a temporary form of enjoyment that does not particularly “take care” of you but helps you relax.

So, you are looking for self soothing activities because you just want to take a load off. Well, let me give you a list of ideas!

SELF SOOTHING IDEAS

  • Taking a bubble bath
Photo by Matheus Frade on Unsplash

Bubble bath’s have their own magic in them. Go buy a couple of Lush Bath Bombs or Dr. Teal Foaming Bath and enjoy the warm bubbles or colorful water and the hot water relaxes your muscles and you just take a load off. I always have a couple of these stashed below my sink incase I have a stressful day, I always have some on hand! Nothing truly beats being in a bath as you read a book or scroll through tiktok and unwind after a truly stressful day.

  • Retail Therapy
Photo by Arturo Rey on Unsplash

If, and only IF you have the budget, retail therapy is another great way to self soothe. Sometimes I go to the mall and I don’t even buy anything. I just like to walk around and look at all the stores as I appreciate the new styles that are in. And then come home with a cute little scrunch. Just taking a stroll the the mall to take my mind off things help. And if buying things gives you momentary happiness, it’s not a bad thing until it becomes an addiction.

  • Masks
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Something about pampering yourself is the best feeling in the world. Grab your favorite face masks or even foot masks! Pamper yourself and pluck those eyebrows! Taking care of your skin feels nice and it focuses on you, and sometimes you need to focus on taking care of yourself.

  • Movie day
Photo by Erik Witsoe on Unsplash

Watch a movie! Don’t have friends? That’s okay, go watch the movie alone (if it is safe in your area). The movies was always my safe space. Whenever I watched a movie, I forgot about everything in my life, and when I would go, I would technically go alone, but at the same time, I was not alone because people were in the theater with me. The movies always my escape close to home.

  • Hobbies
Photo by Rebecca Grant on Unsplash

Start a hobby! Maybe it is knitting or drawing, or even starting to make tiktok videos. I have a friend who started to learn figure skating in her mid twenties and barely knows how to skate in the first place. Now, I call that empowering and learning to live your life with no social expectations. What do you admire when you look at other people and their talents?

  • Nails
Photo by rashid khreiss on Unsplash

Do things that make you feel pretty! Not to be pretty, but to feel pretty. Pretty truly comes from the inside and how you feel about yourself. If that is doing your nails, do it! Get a pedicure while you are at it. It is whatever you feel good in. It is not what people think you look good in. Besides, their opinion of you is literally irrelevant.

  • Games
Photo by Marko Blažević on Unsplash

I noticed that I put a lot of stereotypical female interests in this blog. I also always thought games were boring and annoying, but we are not going to be sexist here. If your hobby is playing games, and you wind down and relax that way, go get it girl. You do you, and you do what makes you relax and enjoy your time.

  • Favorite Meal
Photo by Davey Gravy on Unsplash

Order from your favorite restaurant or go to your favorite restaurant for your favorite meal! Get excited about your favorite meal! It is the little things that go a long way to make us happy, and a meal can be one thing that distracts us that we are happy about!

  • Meditate
Photo by Sage Friedman on Unsplash

Meditate. This does not always mean “om” this could mean sitting outside at your favorite spot and watch the sunset go down and listen to nature. This could mean listening to some beautiful piano instrumental and taking a couple deep breaths as you close your eyes. This could mean so many things as long as you are taking the time to be still and breathe in the calm environment.

  • Journal
Photo by lilartsy on Unsplash

Journaling is a great way to get everything out. If you need to self soothe and destress, write it all out. Thoughts are thoughts until they come out of your head. Then it is easier to evaluate them and understand them. Writing it all out also lets you release it on to the paper and releases your stress.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, it is very common for us to build stress and need to self soothe before we practice self care. Always re-evaluate your life and ask yourself, is this the path that makes me happy? Does the trajectory of my life fulfill me? If it doesn’t,

what can I do to change my life to what I want it to be?

How to get closure when you can’t get closure

Closure is something many of us struggle with. Whether it is from a relationship from a spouse, friend, or significant other we have all come across it one way or another. Unfortunately, it is difficult to receive closure because sometimes, the other party does not want to participate in your closure, or will not give you the closure you need. Sometimes when you participate in the closure, they just respond in the same problematic way that led you to need closure in the first place.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

What is closure?

Closure is when a relationship had to come to an end for whatever reason, but you have no understanding or conclusion of what happened, what went on to have the relationship get to this point. It can also mean, needing an understanding of why something happened.

For example, in a romantic relationship, if you and you’re significant other break up, you may wonder, why did they break up with me? What did I do? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough?

In a family relationship, the closure you may want could be, why did my mom never apologize to me when she has hurt me? Why did my dad leave me? Why did my sister run away?

In a friendship that has ended, it could be, why did she do that to me? Has she never cared about me? Why did she say that behind my back? Why is she suddenly disrespecting me?

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I was not going to blog about closure today until I saw a tiktok where this asian girl could not get closure from her parents because they keep fat shaming her and she never met up to their expectations. And I closely resonate with that. The first thing, as a Korean person, that Korean people tend to mention to me is my appearance. I truly don’t understand why, but when I expanded my horizons, I learned that mainly Korean people do this. Mainly Korean people talk about your appearance and weight as if it is a heavy topic of concern.

My mom asked me if I gained weight, as if I need to address it immediately if I did. And typically, I would obsess over my weight, but I have healed through that trauma, and now I just believe that I put on winter weight and that is completely normal. A friend that I haven’t talk to in years contacts me for the first time and asks me if I lost weight. It baffles me that this is even that big of a topic to mention.

I have had relationships with people who chose to show such disrespectful behavior and treated me as if I did not belong and did not deserve to be respected and it was such a confusing time for me because even when I would ask for explanation, the explanation would not even make sense.

Closure is not just given to you when you want it. You can’t demand a conversation from someone or be entitled to a response that you want to hear. There are many times, when you want closure, that you try to get that conversation out of someone but you just are not able to get it. No matter how much they hurt you, no matter how much disrespect they show you for no reason, you are never entitled to someone’s response.

And sometimes when you get it, it still is not enough. Even people who get revenge will always tell you that it does not heal you or make you feel better.

So how do we get closure when we aren’t able to get closure?

Well, we find closure within ourselves. We find closure in what we can control, and the only person we can control in any situation is ourselves.

So how do we find closure when we don’t have the answers that we need answered?

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Ask yourself these questions

  1. What did this situation tell me about what kind of person I am?
  2. What did their response to me, say about the kind of person they are?
  3. In this tough time, do I like who I was as I handled it? If not, what can I change about me so the I like who I am?
  4. If I liked who I was in this situation, how can I focus on being proud of my own strength and growth?

It is very important to self reflect in these situations. When you are self reflecting, make sure you are honest with yourself. If you have a hard time facing the truth about yourself, that is another situation you may need to work on. But self reflection and growth is beautiful. The wisest people reflect on themselves and constantly grow and change to be the best version of themselves.

Ask yourself these questions, and with these questions will come to a conclusion to who you think you are, and who they are to you. Everyone has different perspectives, understandings and experiences with everyone and no two people will understand in the same way. Do the best you can with the limited information you have, to take back your peace. People have already chosen to act the way they want to act to you. There is no other explanation or excuse to it. People can choose to grow, people can choose to stay stuck, but that is not your problem at this point. Take care of who you choose to be.

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At the end of the day, you can’t depend on anyone else to feel okay. You can’t wait for someone to feel bad enough, or apologize to you, or give you closure, in order to feel okay and at peace. If they are living their life being unbothered by you, you are the only one in pain and the only one who needs to take control of their own emotions. That means, you need to find closure within yourself to take your power back and find closure in the situation. Do not give the other person the power to control your emotions because at the end of the day, you choose to feel them, you have the power to adjust your perspective and emotions.

It is not easy, but it is possible.

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Conclusion

Emotions are not easy and you can not control anybody except for yourself. Stop focusing on what people owe you, or what you need to hear from someone in order to move on, or what you have to know to move on. At the end of the day, you are giving the power of your own happiness and peace away to other people. Take that power back, make yourself proud of who you stood strong to be and who you wanted to be. And honestly self reflect in who you were in this situation and who you would be proud to be. Their simple disrespect or disregard should be enough closure, anyways.