You Do Not Need to Attend Every Argument You Were Invited To

So I was scrolling through Tiktok I saw this video of this teacher teaching her student’s some valuable lessons, and was touched by what she shared and wanted to talk about it.

She said:

  1. You do not have to attend every argument you were invited to.
  2. If you are arguing with someone you love, the goal should not be to win, but to find peace.
  3. If you argue to win, you need to be okay with losing part of that relationship.
  4. You are allowed to grow from your mistakes.
  5. Unless you are finding a solution, the one who shouts the loudest is usually the greatest fool.
  6. it’s okay to start over.

I loved the fact that this teacher shared all of these encouraging life lessons because it truly is difficult to live in this world. So lets talk about what she said.

  1. You do not need to attend every argument that you were invited to
    • If someone tries to pick a fight with you, and start something, you have every right not to join in that conversation. You have every right to not be a part of it and take yourself out. Yes, it may go on without you, but it is happening without you. Do what it takes to find your peace. And remember that your own actions speak louder than what people say your actions are.
  2. If you are arguing with someone you love, the goal should not be to win, but to find peace
    • The only reason you would fight someone to win, is if you care more about your ego and pride than the other person. If you truly care about the person that you are arguing with, your goal should be to figure it out, to understand where each other is coming from, and is to find peace in the situation.
  3. If you argue to win, you need to be okay with losing part of that relationship
    • If you are arguing just to win, it may be peaceful after, but the other person has made decisions. They could decide that they no longer feel safe to completely open up to you and they will hide it from you. If you are arguing to win, people may not feel like its worth trying to work things out with you and you will lose meaningful relationships. Arguing to win is purely out of pride and ego, and its not worth losing people over.
  4. You are allowed to grow from your mistakes
    • I think this is the hardest for me because I can be forgiving to my mistakes and others, but because I am also a people pleaser, I feel as though, if people don’t think I deserve to move on and grow, then I should not forgive myself until they do. Which is such a harmful way of thinking. It is nice to receive forgiveness, but at the end of the day, you need to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes to become a better version of yourself.
  5. Unless you are finding a solution, the one who shouts the loudest is usually the greatest fool-
    • What this really means is that, the person who goes around sharing and spreading all their rumors and opinions about someone, is the fool because they are the ones who is trying to convince everyone and themselves of their opinion because at the end of the day, they know its not true or they feel some kind of shame or want to hide something.
  6. it’s okay to start over-
    • It truly is okay to start over and be different. If you don’t like yourself, don’t wait until everyone is ready for you to be different. There will never be a time where everyone will forgive you or think its time for you to be different. Or maybe there is. But at the end of the day, no matter what, you can start over and over and over again to keep trying to be a better person no matter what.

Summary

I know it is difficult to interact with people sometimes, and sometimes, its the hardest to forgive yourself because you are the one living with your mistakes, but you can forgive yourself and move on. You are allowed to start over and change. No matter who is ready for you to change or who will believe you.

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2-2-2 Rule for Maintaining Relationships (SEEN ON TIKTOK//Is your relationship feeling stale?)

As I was scrolling through Tiktok, I came across one that says the “2-2-2 Rule in Marriage” made by @jannellesherman.

@jennellesherman 2-2-2 rule in marriage#luckysound #shein #cozy #workfromhome ♬ original sound – Carrie Bailey
https://www.tiktok.com/embed.js

The reason why relationships work so well in the beginning is because you don’t live together, and you don’t see each other, so you go out of your way to see eachother and spend time with each other.

You make intentional effort to see and spend time with each other. And when you are with them, you are focused on each other. So why is that not happening in most marriages?

Because you are getting too comfortable with the daily tasks or too comfortable living with each other. You feel like, because you live together and see each other, you are spending time with each other. But the difference is, you may be talking to each other more in a sense, but you are not spending quality time together.

Which is why the 2-2-2 rule works.

  1. Every 2 weeks, go out for the evening.

Yes, we are all busy, but you need to prioritize what is important to you. And sacrificing 2 dates a month is not that big of a sacrifice.

That means getting a babysitter. Going out for dinner or go to a cute museum or aquarium near by. This will only take a couple hours out of your whole month. Im talking to the workaholics here.

Go to your favorite restaurant, or take a walk in the park together. Whatever date night you want to do and can afford, go for it and intentionally plan it.

Something my friend did was she took her love language and her husbands love language (quality time and acts of service) and found an activity that fulfilled both of it, so they hung out at ikea, bought a drawer and assembled it together. She got to spend time with her husband, and her husband got to make her something. They were both fulfilled in the way they feel love.

Some weekend ideas:

  • dinner (1 hr)
  • museum (2 hrs)
  • escape room (1 hr)
  • painting pottery (1 hr)
  • walk in the park (1 hr)
  • going to am antique store (1 hr)
  • going to the gym together (1 hr)

2. Every 2 months, go out for the weekend.

This could mean getting a hotel room with a jacuzzi every two months, or go glamping for the weekend. It can mean several things! It doesn’t always have to break the bank either. But as long as you go out and spend time with each other away from the world, this would be a great idea!

  • glamping
  • camping
  • backpacking
  • getting an airbnb at the beach
  • a motel with a jacuzzi
  • cool airbnbs

3. Every 2 years, go out for a week.

Yes, as married couples, we don’t always have the time and money, so every two years, go out for a week and have that week vacation. Here are some ideas for your full week vacations.

  • A tropical island (Bali, Mexico, Hawaii, PR)
  • France
  • Disney
  • California Adventure Park
  • National Parks
  • Canada
  • Literally anywhere you’ve always wanted

Summary

Literally, doing things like this will not only spark your relationship but give you something to look forward to when you are stressed out in life.

It is important to maintain your relationship as much as it is important to invest in your job and your children.

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Send this to a friend going through a break up

Relationships are one thing.

You invest so much time in someone, hoping that they will be the one. You are emotionally invested in this person for however long, and you poured your heart into getting to know this person.

Then you break up.

Suddenly, your entire world changes, your entire daily routine changes. You are no longer talking to your best friend anymore. It feels empty in your life in one way or another.

Break ups are not easy. They aren’t supposed to be easier. Your life isn’t supposed to immediately get better.

You may experience guilt, or the aftermath of someone else’s emotions, or you may feel pain of loss. You may wonder if you made the right choice. You may start to question your value.

Break up’s are hard, but they are choices that are logical for your overall well-being.

If you are going through a break up right now, you have every right to mourn, to be sad, to be hurt, to be confused. Those are normal emotions that make sense and will happen regardless of how well the break up went.

You may question yourself and everything. But this is also the time you are taking care of yourself the most. Whether you got broken up with and you need to redefine your self worth and value, or you broke up with someone because you decided it is finally time to take care of yourself and be honest with yourself.

Life will shift. It won’t be normal. You will create a new reality. But that will be the exciting part of it all.

Embrace your break up. Embrace your pain. And focus on who you are after the break up. Stay strong, make choices that your best friend would make for you.

No More Bare Minimum, Ladies. What is a HEALTHY relationship like?

relationship advice

Ladies, men are being exposed in 2021, and women are finding out that they have been reaching for the bare minimum in relationships.

As someone who has only experienced trash relationships her entire life, being with my husband was a different ball game. Everything shocked me. I had to unlearn so many things. He gave me a safe space to help me heal and grow and become who I am now. And I am extremely happy and proud of who I became. I wish I could tell my younger self to get out NOW so that I can truly experience the amazing life I can have around the right people.

It is very important who you surround yourself around, and especially the significant other you choose. Trust me, it is better being single and living your best life and doing everything you want, than struggling with someone who makes your life harder.

Sure, relationships aren’t that easy, but it’s not supposed to be that hard either. Just cause you’re going through challenging times together and trying to change for one another, does not mean that you guys are a strong couple that should be together. It truly depends case by case.

Relationships are a two way street. You need to do your part as well to give the love you fully want to receive. And if they are not giving the same energy, that person is not your person. Because people will put the energy into the person they want. Doesn’t mean you are not worth it anymore. Doesn’t mean you are unlikeable. Society gave us a one way ticket standard that we all try to abide by, but that truly isn’t the case. Everyone is different, everyone has different interests, different ideas of beauty, different personalities, and this is a fact. So why wouldn’t there be people who like your personality and people who don’t?

So here are some things to keep in mind when finding your future partner:

  1. Communication

Communication is so important. Everyone is so different. Everyone speaks and registers information in a different way. No two people understand life the same exact way. That is why, BOTH of you need to be willing to put yourself aside and see things from their perspective. So start learning how to verbalize your emotions without the pride. Yeah I’m talking to you. Ninety nine percent of the world does not know how to effectively communicate their emotions because they physically have not practiced (this is not a scientific statistic it’s just my guesstimation of my own survey), and explaining it is not easy.

You need to try, and practice, and you will get better and as long as the other person is receptive and willing to listen. You can have solid communication over time. It is a two person effort. If someone refuses to listen to your perspective, you are already done. Ignoring it and not ever addressing it does not help but it build resentment. When someone seems hard headed, don’t even try to share how you feel yet. Take a step back. Nobody is retaining anything when they have a hard heart. If the hard heart lasts more than a couple hours to a full day, you may need to re-evaluate, because now they are thinking only of themselves rather than the relationship. And when you are in a relationship, it is a two person effort to maintain. Remember, you are nobody’s therapist, you are a team.

2. No expectations

Hold on, hear me out. Of course you should have standards. But these standards are the character of the person, what kind of heart they have, how they react when they are mad, how they love, how they forgive, how they treat you and themselves.

Now that being said, you should find someone that does not have expectations of you (and vise versa). You have lived your whole life, trying to live up to your parents expectations, or your community’s expectations. Why, should you have expectations in the one relationship where you should let your guard down the most and feel the safest?

Because if you don’t give them expectations, they will slip up or will get too lazy in the relationship?

Then let them, let them slip up or get lazy. Then that person is not for you. Let them be free, let them be fully free to be themselves. You should be fully free to be yourself. Let them be driven to make you happy, purely through love rather than expectation. Wouldn’t that feel more beautiful? And if they don’t? They show whether they truly want to make you happy or not. But you both need to be free without the stress of living up to other people’s expectations. You both need to start setting your own expectations for yourself and who you want to be. Don’t make them live their life according to your own personal standards. See if your own expectation of yourself matches their expectation for themselves, and walk through your journey together, pushing each other to reach your own personal goals for yourselves. Don’t make your significant other live up to something. They need to feel the safest with you to be themselves. You always have a choice to decide if this person matches your energy or if someone else would be best fit for your journey.

I don’t give my husband any expectations. I am never disappointed in him. Does it mean I support any bad decisions he may make? No. Why? Because I chose a man and trust his character and his learning process. If there is a decision I don’t like, I take the time to ask what made him come to that conclusion and understand his mind first. I am not here to show that I have a better moral compass than him. I am here to be his partner. He used to always apologize for letting me down in some way, trying to make himself responsible of what I want. But I tell him that I never had any expectation of him. At first, he thought it was pretty harsh but then I told him what I meant. I want him to live his life the way he wants to, regardless of our marriage. I want him to reach the best self he wants for himself. I want him to be free to make the choice of who he wants to be. I always have the choice of if this is the man that I choose to be with, or not. But I will not have him live up to another persons personal ideals of life and what they think is right, just because he is married to me. He is the one living his life, and I need him to live it to what he wants for himself and who he wants to be. Just like you would want to live your life without anyone holding you back.

3. You are responsible for your happiness and your feelings.

I hear a lot of “YOU hurt me”, “YOU ruined my life”. Nobody is responsible for your feelings except for yourself. Your partner is not responsible for making you happy, making you feel better, or keeping you happy. It’s not their job. Your emotions are so fluid. How are they supposed to predict your triggers? They can’t. You are responsible for your own emotions, your own healing. A good partner will be mindful of your feelings. They will take the time to get to know you and your triggers, they will be respectful of your triggers and emotions. They will do their best in their knowledge to be there for you, support you, and try to make you feel better. But at the end of the day, you need to take responsibility for your own emotions, your own reactions. Don’t put that on your partner.

And vise versa. Your partner should not make it your responsibility to heal them. If you feel you did something to hurt them, then do your part and apologize, and try to do something to show them you are sorry. But at the end of the day, you are not defined by their emotion. If they choose not to heal or try to, then that isn’t a determiner of how much you hurt them. You did your part, what happened, happened. And you both are responsible for your own emotions and actions at the end of the day.

A healthy couple will take accountability of their own emotions and actions, no matter who is right and who is wrong. Does not mean you tolerate their behavior but means you see the expectations and standards they set for themselves. See if their expectation matches yours for yourself and if it comes down to it, just walk away. This relationship is not for you.

4. Basic Values

Your basic values are so important. Religion and values should not be something you need to argue over. If you are on the same wave length, you should only be pushing each other forward in life, not pulling back. This is just the basics of the basics to not compromise in. There are plenty of people in the world. Go to places that you love, and find someone while living life. Don’t go searching for it just to find someone.

5. Work on Yourself

At the end of the day, the way you see yourself effects the entirety of the relationship. If you have poor self esteem, you will be constantly asking your partner for reassurance. A good partner’s actions will give you reassurance, but it could be holding you back from enjoying life together to the fullest. If you are insecure and you deflect your insecurities on to your partner, you are just creating unnecessary issues in the relationship that just didn’t have to be there in the first place if you worked on yourself.

This is why people take breaks from relationships, this is why people tell you to enjoy being single and live your life single. Because you will discover so many things as a single person about yourself because all you need to do is focus on yourself. You will have the time to heal from any trauma or pain that you endured. Don’t use the relationship to mask your trauma. Feel it, learn about yourself through it, find your stronger inner self from it. Then bring that new and improved version of you to relationship that will match your energy and give you two times the boost in your journey rather than you or them holding each other back because you are unhealed. It is possible to go in a relationship with baggage and heal from it, but if you heal alone from it, that healing will define how you see yourself. If you heal from it within the relationship, it’s great because you heal either way, but you may become attached and think that your partner is your only sole reason for happiness and have an unhealthy attachment. It really depends on who you are and who you choose to be at the end of the day.

Many relationships are hard because people don’t know themselves and who they are. They are not confident in themselves, and what they deserve. They have not worked on their communication skills, or they are healing through trauma that is leaking out into the relationship every now and then. Heal yourself, be the best self you can be as a single person, and then find someone that you feel will push you to greater heights.